Beth_Roach @Beth_Roach@awoo.space

after a month, guess I know who gives a shit now.

guess it's time to pull that trigger (metaphorically)

the thing that illustrates to me just how bad off I am this time around, is this whole post.

the only outlet I have to get these feelings out in a way that might help make me feel better is on an account I barely post on, on a site I barely use and is still the only outlet I have left, because everyone that I would have talked to about this in the past is gone.

*sigh* I just want to feel happy again, and welcomed in the company of the people I love and respect.

it's been, I don't know, a few months maybe? since I really started to backslide into my depression. normally when this happens I can just use my standard coping skills to bring myself back to an alright place.

but this time it just feels harder and harder to force myself to use them. my hobbies feel pointless, my life feels like I'm just running out the clock, and the worst part of all is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it that I trust anymore.

they have all moved on, or have made it clear that our friendship is no longer the same on their end, and I don't know what to do anymore to try and find new people or to try and repair what I already have.

Like, I see them enjoying themselves, having fun, enjoying stuff, and the like.

and I love that! it's good to see people I care about having a good time and improving their mental health.

but it feels like I'm no longer welcome to participate in that enjoyment. like when I do try to come in, that I suck out all the happiness from the room and everything just kinda ebbs away into nothing and all the interaction just dies.

the worse part is I'm don't know what to do to bring it back but to just stop trying to be apart of the group anymore and place myself into a self-imposed observation status for the sake of the people I want to be happy.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm just the 5 wheel in every aspect of my life. people I used to talk to on the daily have just disappeared from my life, groups I used to feel welcomed in and safe in are feeling more and more closed off and shut out to me.

day 6 of crippling depression and stress. I have now found a youtube channel that is nothing but historical bread recipes.

this is good, this amuses me.

so, i got Clip Studio Paint like 2 months ago and never bothered to really learn it. well this last week i committed to try to use it for some map making, this was the result.

Me: okay once I get these projects done I have something new to work on
Brain: but it's here now
Me: I have other things that need to be done first
Brain: ...but it's NEW PLASTIC
Me: ...your right.

Not really used to just posting stuff like this. normally I like to be very private about personal stuff, but lately, it feels like all of my support systems and coping measures have been falling apart. I haven't been able to focus on work for more than a week and more and more often lately I just want to curl up in disappear.

someone I had cut out of my life recently came back into it and I let them in because I was lonely and just wanted someone, ya know? but since then all this self-doubt and self-hate has just bubbled back up from back then. I'm not sure what to do now, I've cut off contact with them but it's hard and the last time I went through this I had someone to help me get through it, but now that person doesn't seem to want anything to do with me and I'm just alone again.

I don't know why I'm even posting this, I just want to say this to someone, I guess it doesn't matter who so as long as someone else hears it.

not sure if this turned out as good as the other ones I've made, but I wanted to share it anyways.

I got bored, made this.

Another day, another space picture. Trying out some new stuff with this one.

Thank you @Draekos you're a great friend. I tear up when I look at this, but in a good way.

Rudy, you were with me for 16 years. I will never forget you.

Some closeup pictures of the Bold I did for @Draekos , as an early birthday present.

got bored, thought I'd try another one of these. not sure what I can do with this skill yet but I'm sure I'll think of something.

so i may have been learning how to make cool images like this for the last few days.

it's snowed 7-8 inches here over the last 2 days, I've had to shovel out my driveway both of those days so i can leave my home in case of emergency's. now my back feels like it's been folded a few time then unfolded, and i find out the main road linking my house to the outside world hasn't even been plowed yet, i couldn't leave even if i wanted/needed to. >.< sometimes i hate rural Midwestern living.

the current view from my desk, she has been in there for the last 3 hours.