Mh journaling
I’ve been realizing that if I don’t do self-care (working on my issues, job hunt, sleep schedule, drawing, etc.) things get worse, but if I DO push on them, things don’t necessarily get better.
Fits into how I grew up being taught everything that happened to me was somehow my responsibility, but it felt like I was being engineered to fail, no matter what, because MOST of my life is/was out of my control, but just enough was controllable to give the impression that was ALWAYS true.
Mh journaling
I’m also remembering a life-changing accident occurred when kids are processing their personal power and consequences of their actions according to Erickson; and, “success” in childhood meant more/more difficult tasks/social ostracism for being too smart, so it always felt like punishment.
Mh journaling
Now that I’m thinking about it more, what happens to me (and everyone!) is a mix of things I probably can control because they are close to me (and even then that’s not a sure thing), things which might be out out of my control despite my effort (can I win over a teacher or classmate, job hunting), and things completely out of my control (US government and GenAI destroying this world).
Even though that’s obvious in hindsight, it previously literally hadn’t occurred to me.