angrboda @angrboda@awoo.space

I wanted to add that I think performative allyship is easy to fall into and I’ve definitely been guilty of it in different circumstances throughout my life so I’m not saying it’s evil or anything, just that I think it’s worth examining

I’ve read accounts of younger binary trans people who are not ready to come out and hate being asked pronouns because the options are out yourself or invalidate yourself and it makes me wonder if a lot of the (especially corporate) drive behind this stuff isn’t mostly a way for people to feel like they’re doing activism while not really doing anything.

The weirdest thing is this person was engaging w/ each of us one on one so pronouns were not really even an issue and their opportunity to misgender was pretty low, even by accident. The biggest irony is I didn’t mention any of this to Terry because I knew they would feel better thinking the tech just presumed female pronouns, if it came up at all. I guess maybe this was an important issue to the tech or maybe they are not cis? But it really felt like they wanted praise.

A way that I genuinely feel bad for trans people is that woke cis people are often embarrassingly bad about patting themselves on the back for engaging with their identities. I made an eye appointment for me and Terry a few weeks ago to get our scripts updated and I got called first to do the basic eye chart / eye wellness test. The tech made a big deal out of asking me Terry’s pronouns and then clearly expected to be praised for it, so I was like ‘uh, thanks for asking’.

I paid the lawyer 3k of my own money and did basically all the work but every step is somewhere between drowning and pulling out my own teeth. I’m either going to escape or die, idk. I just want to sleep.

Their new thing is talking about how much they regret transitioning to guilt trip me. I don’t care. I would want to leave anyway. The gender shit is what let me know things would never improve (because of how it has been handled) but it’s clear that the core of the whole thing is rotten. I don’t hate this person (sometimes I hate myself for not hating this person) but staying is only an option in so far as suicide is an option.

The reason things have dragged out as long as they have is that my ex does not want to split up. They are afraid to be alone. I often wonder if they even want specifically me around anymore or it’s just not wanting to be alone. They have used every possible thing to leverage this outcome and still refer to us as ‘lesbians’. It makes me feel like shit. At this point it has been two years since I said I wanted to move on.

I went downstairs to get something small to eat because I skipped lunch to get work done. I had been crying. My ex started their usual routine of hugging and fucking with me because they are lonely without realizing I was upset, but eventually they figured it out and asked me what was wrong. I tried to lay it out as like, calmly and non-judgementally as I could thinking maybe its good to communicate it. They freaked out and had a panic response.

Recently one of my highschool classmates had a miscarriage. She was so excited to finally be pregnant, but we are both 35, and pregnancy is risky under ideal circumstances. I was reading twitter and a mutual had retweeted a thread about a woman who has just lost her baby under similar circumstances. She admitted she blamed herself because she was 37. I have ‘pregnancy’ blocked on my phone but not on tweet deck. It blindsided me and I got pretty upset.

One of the things I’ve been keeping to myself is the anxiety that the length of time the divorce has dragged out has made it so that by the time I’m in a position to have a kid with Mike, I won’t be able to do that safely anymore. It’s so sad and bad and big that I just try not to think about it. Sometimes I can’t stop myself from thinking about it. It’s kind of become an intrusive thought.

Subbed the sweet and sour for plain lemon juice which helps balance it and cut the crazy sweetness (I’m making this w/ Malibu for the rum which is not what it calls for but I needed to buy a light rum and as a trash person I love Malibu). Love the green color it gets.

Learned to make a blue Hawaii. So dangerously drinkable.

Anybody who has ever dealt with wack abusive nerds could see where Nate’s character was going. I did see someone on twitter call the evil turn hair color change anime as fuck and I have to agree lmao.

Third covid test in a week down, just waiting for the company to certify my result so I can fly. I got a nasty cold and worried that it was the big guy so I’ve been pretty fastidious about testing (luckily Abe has lots of the home tests which was really helpful). By now I’m a pro at it lmao. I fly out Monday if everything goes off right, I should hopefully be all the way better by then.

A funny addendum to this is he felt like he needed to pressure me to visit my brother and talk to my sister - I think he feels like l’m falling out of step with the family. The funny thing about this is that I am always the one to reach out and lately have not had the time or energy - but that doesn’t stop anyone from reaching out to me. Maybe if you want me to hang out with you stop being insane to me lmao

It feels like all people have for me is expectations about what I should do or need to be doing and I’m trying my best but nobody is willing to meet me half way. I just want to go to bed for a while.

My car has officially given up the ghost which I was half expecting but still sucks ass because car prices are so inflated RN. I let my dad know and he had to immediately call me and get on my case about everything and make it so much worse. I have a lot of work to finish this afternoon but I don’t know how to calm down. I’m really exhausted and I’m going to England at the end of the week and have a lot to do to be able to deal with that as well.

Whenever I look up where something is in London because of an article or whatever after I find the thing I scroll over to mike’s apartment and zoom in like I can convince the universe to give him a pat on the head for me as long as I know where he is at the moment

I think at least some of this comes from the fact that I super love the "boyfriend" aesthetic (girls wearing their boyfriend's clothes) but I am too fat for it to really work with Mike because his shirts are just my regular size so I just buy my own lmao Orz

I am sexually attracted to men but also love men's slim fit t-shirts and carhartts, IDK either, it's fine