wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

i want to take a vacation from being stuck in this body

everything feels awful and i feel like a failure haha this is fine and normal isn't it i should just get used to this already

"so what do you want to do about it?"
"i want to be the kind of person who can wake up that early"
"...so, should i cancel the appointment?"
"yeah"

so yeah anyway i think i'll cancel that appointment and tell the guy that i literally can't make it before 13:00 and that's that

i haven't managed to get up before 10:00 in about a week now, and there's the additional complication that when i wake up i immediately have to run to the bathroom and usually find myself staying there for at least half an hour (and then sometimes gotta go back in pretty much the minute i get out)

i have no idea how i'm gonna get to an appointment at 10:20 on tuesday that requires almost an hour in public transit to get to

as much as i'd like to escape reality sometimes, my dreams (which are almost all nightmares) are definitely not where i want to escape to

waking up from a nightmare and literally saying out loud "oh thank god" once i realize i'm back in normal reality

i should let go of this constant feeling that i want him to realize what he's done wrong and how he's harmed me, like how i've managed to realize what *i'd* done wrong.

i should also let go of this constant competition in my head, of "who wronged whom more/worse", because it's a competition where even the winner is, in the end, a loser

(i'm ok, i think? less depressed than i was this morning, that's for sure)

the day has come. i have Hurt Myself at the gym today. (over exerted my neck due to bad posture and now it's all stiff)

though given the exact place where it hurts, i think this might also be a throat thing, and possibly an indicator of a new crohn's flare up???? guess we're gonna find out

good thing i have a covid test already scheduled for today ha ha ha 😐😐😐

hello there, weird throat and ear pain whenever i swallow. didn't think you'd be back so quickly