Xurnami, Hyena-dragon @xurnami@awoo.space

I was listening to the episode with Colin Spacetwinks of Woodland Secrets (http://woodlandsecrets.co/episode/52). One thing that was mentioned is that under late capitalism, no one has a stable job anymore so they are allowed to fly the freak flag high because what is going to happen, be fired?

This is something I just realized is a huge source of stress for me. I act like I can fly it high but worried about losing the privilege to support others.

Roommate came home and we discussed wrassle for a bit which was good and helped me calm down some. Also made plans to help some people too hopefully.

Going to get a vape pen under the advice of some other people today.

Oh, and my grandmother just emailed me that I need to contact my family to "heal our broken family" and a forward about Jesus. Fuck my family and what they did to me.

And then the anhedonia is so very strong. Nothing I do seems to give me any level of enjoyment anymore, being around people, being not around people, typefucking, watching videos, trying to program, trying to make music, absolutely anything.

Some have suggested marijuana to help with that but I have never been able to get high at home when I need it the most. The other reason for going of SSRIs was for a chance at other things like MDMA.

During my time off I spent time trying out different things, especially a few days on music production which has always fascinated me.

But I have that mental thing where I spent so much time being praised by parents and everything has come so easy to me that any difficulty feels like an un-scalable wall.

So instead I keep doing the stuff I've been doing. Since it is easier to just stay there forever.

Mastodon has become my venting site because the people who have come here I trust more about all of this sort of stuff around mental health.

I talk to my therapist once a month and I feel fine there but then I have nights like this where I just completely fall apart.

I have to leave my chosen family for a week next week too and I'm dreading that.

I had a month off between jobs that I feel like I utterly wasted.

I have gone off my SSRI in an attempt to get my libido back and have just become more emotional which is both good and a bad thing. This all might be an anxiety attack because of being reminded of bad things.

In this time off, I have felt so isolated. Everyone who I care about is so busy with their existing stuff and there is no space for me.

And my privilege makes me feel worse.

How does one spend all day around other people and even end the day with dinner with closer friends and yet still feel lonely in bed?

I'm super lonely. I have a new job but it doesn't start for a couple more weeks. And with the recruiters no longer hounding me, it has become quite lonely on a day to day basis.

Dunno what to do about this, but Mastodon is becoming more of my vent zone.