assistant fox keeper @somekindofcrow@awoo.space

Okay at a con now and got gendered probably for the first time ever by hotel front desk.

Seriously I did not get my MS so people would call me sir instead of Ms.

So I posted the "hi I'm not a boy" thing and came out to a bunch of people on Faceboop and like 5 minutes later a Well Respected Academic was like "oh hey great timing I need to ask you if you're cool having your work be included in a talk I'm giving to like 100s of people and it'll be filmed and put online and I was planning on using she/her pronouns for you is that okay?"

Welp.

Welp I just came out to an order of magnitude more people than I have before.

This will be fun.

I found a notepad with a boxy fox drawing in it. :3

So anyway thank you friends for being in the ether so I can yell feelings in your general direction I needed to do that or I wouldn't be able to sleep and now it's past my bed time so I'm going to go collapse in bed bye.

Anyway if you've made it this far down the thread here's an exchange we had that you may find hilarious:

Her: "We don't have in-house surgeons but we refer all our patients to this great top surgeon a bit south of here <<insert name you can probably guess who it is if you're local>>, he's great---"

Me: "Oh I know. I've seen his work."

Somewhere around the Dick's on Lake City on my way to dinner/errands I started crying and laughing at the same time. I honestly don't know how to handle these emotions. I still don't. I think I need time to sort this all out.

Saying out loud to a medical professional "I don't really know what is going on but I am sure I'm not a cis man" and trusting someone enough to say that was much more emotional than I expected.

Afterwards I realized that beyond the fact that this was affirming as fuck and I got a lot of stuff off my chest this was the first time I had a primary care provider not tell me to lose weight, not guilt me, not make inappropriate non-medical comments about what's between my legs while doing a routine examination, not make unintentionally racist remarks...

I think honestly maybe I just had shitty doctors in the past.

Honestly, from talking to her I'm pretty sure that she's one of the people who made trans healthcare actually existent in the Megacorp.

But anyway, we talked about drugs and stuff and I was honestly expecting more hoops and more paperwork and more waiting and more everything but at some point she just said "I can send you home with spironolactone today if you want".

I said no because I'm very definitely not ready to commit yet but damn.

One of the things she made very clear at the beginning is that she is there to make sure I stay safe and yes that includes making sure I don't harm myself because of dysphoria. We talked about my mental state and made sure I was okay and had support systems in place before we even talked about drugs or anything.

Like I know this level of competency and training existed somewhere but I had never seen it in action and it was fucking glorious.

And finally after I got across to them that I am a completely new row in the database and they literally have nothing and I need them to request medical history, the nurse gave me a form and no pen. Good thing I carried a fountain pen because I'm a Nerd. It was the wrong form. I decided I could no longer even and the doctor came in and saw me face down on the table.

She dealt with my hysterical flailing pretty fucking well.

The point of the visit was for a consultation on HRT. Also to get a prescription so I could get massages covered because Insurance Fun Times.

Even with the nervousness and the exhaustion from dealing with bureaucracies taken into account my initial experience with the clinic was Very Not Good. Their patient intake process was... non-existent.

Like at no point did I ever tell anyone about my medical history and nobody knew I was new in the system.

Okay so after jumping through all the hoops I finally got to meet with my new PCP.

Short version of the story: It was without a doubt the best experience I've ever had in my life with a medical doctor for a whole lot of reasons and for the first time I left primary care not feeling shameful or terrible but hopeful and informed.

Long version to follow in reply to this post.

In case you're wondering this is the Northgate Kaiser Permanente clinic.

Opinion: Cryptonomicon is a romance novel and it's a bad one.

I don't think I'm just, like, smiled because I was generally happy for years now. Maybe more? I don't know.

These positive feelings are really weird.

Just kidding there's nothing here because of Lawyer Reasons!

It's been that kind of day I guess.

Coworker: "I opened the file you sent me and I tried to do something and it just says <<MEOW>>."

Me: Yeah that happens.

Finally went and read the source of the life expectancy of trans women of color (which is the closest census category that describes me I guess) being 35 thing and now I have feelings. Turns out I may not have all the spoons needed to confront it. I mean I'm not black and I'm not out so maybe it doesn't apply to me but.

I turn 35 in a month.

I have a therapist and a primary care doctor and now I just got an accountant I feel like fucking Nick Fury assembling a team of Avengers in the mission to make me not die.

I have progressed from "read my therapists all my awoo posts with MH content warnings" to "make a list in notetaking app of what I need to scream about".

Also I said "I am not a terrible person" in therapy today which is like the first time I've ever said that out loud not as a reaction to me saying I'm terrible and we had a mini-celebration.