A deconstruction of the ffxiv main story line (as far as I've gone anyway, spoilersish)
A Relm Reborn:
"So guys.... we made an MMO and forgot a plot. I guess it's evil empire is evil time."
Seventh Astral Cycle:
Where in a child tries to make the perfect cops, but just ends up with real world cops. Also, capitalists stop democracy.
Thancred is replaced by a Sylph doppelganger. His character from this point onward vastly improves.
Heavensward:
The pope says don't fuck dragons, so we gotta kill the pope. Also, shout out to Ravana, the best lad of them all.
Dragonsong War:
All the old NPCs are new again, and the new NPCs are evil but not. Darkness Light Dark Darkness Worlds Light Darkness.
OH MY GODS NIDHOG WHAT ARE THESE AoEs?!!?!?!?
Stormblood:
A twunk with a kitchen knife set beats your ass into the ground.
Better go to notJapan to go to notKorea to head to notMongolia to get the lord back on the throne in.... notChina which is just a different notJapan.
re: A deconstruction of ffxiv class quests (as far as I've gone anyway, spoilersish)
Dragoon:
"You'll never be as brave as me"-dead. Time to learn from the edgelord, oh no this is actually a compelling story of a girl in bronze edgelord armor.
Astrologian:
Look it's like astrology and tarot cards rolled into one. Man that assassin just never gives up. (60+) "What if more magic based on real world fortune telling?"
Paladin:
Help a girl get over her shitty boyfriend. Help a dude get over being lied to about his boyfriend. Help a kid fit into the armor of that last boyfriend, also he's dead but not and even the game can't help but comment on how convoluted this all is.
Darkknight:
What a wholesome edgelord! How cute-oh gods oh no oh fuck it got really horny oh no.
Bard:
Archery racism! And now, music time with grandpa
Monk:
Punch fight grandpa so hard he can turn back into his 20s.... and his 2 wonderful lalafel grandkids.
Black Mage:
the lvl16+ wizard party won't stop listening to Linkin Park, and their lvl6 martial class friend doesn't like it.
Also they're all lalafel.
White Mage:
well, it's time to go beat up the spirits of the land.
Red Mage:
Cat grandpa and amnesia little sister have a lovely wander through the countryside, but also it's vampires now.
re: A deconstruction of ffxiv class quests (as far as I've gone anyway, spoilersish)
oh
Crafting:
So I bought this from a store and told you I made it, let me make things better now.
Fishing:
It... it's fishing? I dunno, I'm always doing those quests while sleepy so fuck it, I dunno. fish.
Mining:
"Adventurers keep coming in taking out jobs!" He says, while complimenting me, an adventurer, on the good job I'm doing.
Botany:
You gotta be one with the land, so go fucking deforest each region for me. Cool thanks.
