i've been looking into obsessive compulsive personality disorder. this is different from ocd in some ways that make me feel a lot more confident working towards a self-dx tbh

the moral perfectionism in how i deal with other people fits like a glove

like if i think "oh i guess it's kind of harmful in 0.01% of instances for me to behave in this way, even tho most people do it and it has lots of rewards in terms of people engaging with me," i still just can't do it. can't justify it to myself, have to be strict and disciplined

a while ago i saw someone saying how "rt if you ___" posts are taking advantage of psychology to cause people to do RTs without thinking about it and it's a little like those chain emails

so now i don't do it, can't ever do it. because my brain brings it up in huge red letters when i think about it

so yeah. just thinking about that. those might be some of these big chains keeping me from talking to anyone or doing anything

personality disorders are such a fucking.. thing

i get the impression that it's so hard for people to even understand what it's like, to even understand which things are things that they don't get about it

it's like um. it's like everyone is playing a videogame that's different for everyone, yk, some find it easier or harder than others, but it's basically the same game

but then i'm there with a personality disorder, and my whole UI is different, my objectives are more complicated, i have different kinds of health bars that are going down unless i do specific things

like if you played a creepypasta pokemon and in addition to the pokemon battles, every conversation is a weird puzzle with dialogue and reading someone's mood and they're giving you a bunch of threatening signals that aren't there in everyone else's copy of the game