Kistaro Windrider @Kistaro@awoo.space

I prefer reading things over watching things. I just watch stuff because my hands are busy, or I need a background distraction to something that is too dull to keep focused on. Admittedly there’s a limited exception where I do enjoy watching DOTA 2 tournaments but that is an outlier and I am a massive nerd.

I’ve started using St. John’s Wort because I can’t get an appointment with an actual psychiatrist and now when I burp it tastes the way a craft store smells

I studied poker lessons before bed and then my dreams can be summarized as “what if Antonio Estandafari was really Gordon Ramsay?”

I really wish there was anywhere near enough as much effort put into uplifting men who do not perform masculinity “well enough” for the mainstream as there is effort put into bashing men who express the violent and aggressive parts of mainstream masculinity. What’s left are a bunch of scared boys who can’t find people who will accept them as they are or people who think they will be anything other than violent.

Walked to MOD Pizza for lunch. Ate while walking home. Gave a piece of sausage to a crow. It started following me. :D

Useful routine that I am teaching myself to use when appropriate:

* I feel anxious and stressed.
* Why do I feel anxious and stressed?
* People aren't talking to me.
* Why is that upsetting?
* I don't know if I should be doing a thing for myself or to accommodate them too.
* Am I responsible for them in this circumstance?
* ...not especially, no.
* If I am not responsible for anybody else here, what should I do?
* Proceed independently.

I must remember that it's okay to just do what I need.

And now the bus driver closed the door on me while I was boarding. I have a minorly twisted ankle and a substantially worse mood now.

Mood for today: https://youtu.be/LwrQXI4_mgo + https://play.google.com/music/m/Tg3nkjkcd3ptayrpitcwfxyluc4?t=Teenagers_Kick_Our_Butts

Exciting commute this morning! Bus plus hills plus ice plus suburban semi-Seattle’s near-total lack of ice management infrastructure resulted in some sliding and some antilock brake system activation

Decaf black tea is a tool I should use more often for trying to settle down when stressed

I've sent an email to a local psychiatrist asking to set up appointments. It's absurd that I haven't been; my problems with depression and anxiety are obvious and there is no rational reason that I (and my undeserved privilege of absurdly good health insurance) should be trying to manage them myself.

sometimes I wish my political views were more similar to those of most of my friends because then I'd be less upset by political conversations with people I care about. I have substantial reasons for not agreeing with some very passionately-held positions, and I know people aren't looking for an argument most of the time so I have to stay quiet. But I'm scared, because I don't know who would suddenly hate me if they knew my real views on some volatile things.

Modern public schooling seems so bad, so opposite to how humans learn, so innately and unavoidably abusive that all budget questions about school funding seem appallingly wrongheaded; underfunded or not, schools are an abuse factory where children are imprisoned with no somewhat-older role models, trained to submit to authoritarian lecturers who don't have the resources or the agenda to let humans learn through curiosity and experience. they crush curiosity and teach abuse.

How different would the world be if Sid Sackson and Sid Meier traded specialties?

I don’t know how to actually help people I care about.