Welp, I give up waiting for tonight. Doesn't appear whoever was reviewing wanted to bother coming back to it today (even though I responded within 5 mins). If it sits through tomorrow I'm going to take it as a total loss and resubmit, I got more fixes queued at this point as it is 😕
The app review process has greatly improved since it's early days of taking upwards of 10 business days but this shit is still infuriating