masked papaya @glip@awoo.space

it's great that awoo's refed'ing with snouts.online but i would really love some kind of explanation on why im blocked. if i did something that i can fix i'd love to know about it.

but so far it looks like it's more punishment over things i didn't do. what on earth am I supposed to do in this kind of situation? just blocked off from talking to people without any recourse, over a harassment campaign succeeding? if someone has a peaceful solution I'm all ears

I'm done with all this explanation for now. I hope that gives some more context about the kind of things i've been through and where the shit you're hearing first originated. it's a sad story and involves a lot of people just not fucking talking to each other to resolve things :(

which is why i am so adamant about being out in the open about thoughts and feelings on this stuff now. it can't just be hidden behind closed doors, that's what leads to rumors growing out of control

DESPITE ALL THIS, i am routinely blamed for everything my ex husband does, despite having no fucking idea about 98% of what people talk about. but also i was stuck in a place of "listen to my husband, who only lies sometimes" and "listen to KF, where people lie very damn near all the time" and that was a fucking horrible place to be caught for a few months.

like, do not recommend, would not ride again, 0/10, thanks

it's so hard. it's so fucking hard when you're trapped in a neglectful and abusive dynamic with someone who wants nothing, feels nothing, contributes nothing to your life. he became more and more withdrawn in the past 5 years and nothing i did worked. it was so fucking miserable to try my best to get him to talk, to tell me things, only for him to close off even MORE.

honestly, us fleeing our house and being offline for a while helped me feel my own feelings again

I tried my best for him. it didn't work out. I got panic attacks around him during the week or two before I decided we needed a divorce and not to live together -- those are what really sent me over the edge, made me feel shattered enough that I finally could make the decision to leave, with the help of my partner eevee. it was so fucking hard. it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, as a person who cares deeply about friends and partners

I didn't realize how hopeless things were. I didn't understand you could be with someone who didn't hide away constantly. I didn't get that marriage doesn't need to be an unequal setup where one person tries and the other never has to. i didn't realize that I should have left after the first FEW times he slept with people without letting me know first, me only finding out from the other people

I didn't know I deserved better because I was never taught that

it just makes me sad to think back on it. I haven't even talked about the fucking well of trauma I built up about my husband, everything leading to deciding I needed a divorce, but, god.

my boundaries were so utterly nonexistent because of how much he ignored them. but my own abusive childhood meant I really didn't even have a good grasp on how to set boundaries -- especially if he would just ignore them, anyway. it felt hopeless and pointless

how COULD I? I knew my husband lied to me. I knew my ex had misremembered a great deal of things. I had no idea what to think or believe about it. so I kept it as neutral information for the time

fast forward 2 years and what I think is it was a combination of my husband having 0 regard for other people's boundaries, and my ex being as bad at i was at enforcing boundaries. horrible fucking combination i wouldn't wish on anyone, but empathize with deeply

so. I don't know. we stopped emailing each other after that. I wasn't sure if my ex was painting things wrong in his mind again, or if there was something more to this. but it did make me feel a lot less trusting of my husband after that; there wasn't really much trust left, by that point. i knew he'd lied to me about various things and kept stupidly fucking believing "okay this time is different, i hope, probably, maybe"

but i didn't know what was real

these emails were 2 yr ago. but at the very end he did something that unnerved me. he mentioned that my husband "treated him like a piece of meat" and I told him I had no idea what that was about, but--

it sat with me really grossly for the next couple weeks, because it tickled my memory, reminding me of feeling URGENTLY that i had to cut my husband out of my ex's life - causing me to act out and vent publicly to solve this problem via indirect, hidden means. :/

we BOTH apologized. we spent many long ass emails venting our frustrations and sorting out what had actually happened and then we both felt kind of stupid at realizing "oh you didn't block me??" which sounded just... too stupid to be true? too bullshit coincidence? i don't know, it sounded literally unbelievable, but he assured me he wasn't lying and I wanted to take his word in good faith, here, so I do believe him

I only sought litigation because I had a solid case. he actively asked people not to support me, over things I could *prove* were untrue. I had logs and witnesses on my side. this was a surefire case for tens of thousands in damages.

it took a long time to move because the legal system sucks, but he didn't respond to the "you're being sued" thing which meant I was going to be able to win with no contest

but then i dropped it once he apologized

my ex wouldn't stop publishing anon bullshit, and also his callout EXPLICITLY asked people not to support my new budding project, Floraverse.

so what could I do? it got worse and there was a dip in my income, so I felt like my only recourse was trying to seek legal action over this. so i filed a lawsuit. I already had his address bc WE WERE DATING and SENT EACH OTHER STUFF but this got twisted into "doxxes and sues innocent people" because of course it did

so what do you DO in this situation? he started publishing anon hate, much of which I could recognize as people who had been awful to me in some way previously. and with anons, they have no reason to be truthful.

which is more or less how KF started paying attention to me. I was a perfect target -- my ex already started the hate train so all they had to do was hop on. all thanks to shitty misunderstandings, my shitty ex husband and my venting exacerbating things

I had no idea what to do though once he made his callout. it was all wrong, but I understood WHY it was wrong. as we dug through logs, he confused much of the things he accused me of with things HE did. (remember: I DID write a vent post! because it WAS a frustrating situation where he ignored my boundaries very often)
(..and then painted me as someone who ignored his boundaries, despite my multiple logs of checking in with him over any doubtful issue)

but yeah. seeing his hurt, magnified and multiplied...

seeing him remember every good time we had together in the lens of "this person secretly hated me all this time"...

that hurt my heart sooo fucking bad. because i never really felt that way about him, even though of course my vent post would've given him every reason to repaint the events with a more sinister light.

that hurt so bad, knowing even good memories became tainted by paranoia re: intentions :(

so I completely understood why he felt so hurt, after giving it some time.

think about how jarring that'd be. you're with someone who's encouraging at every angle for the entire 6 months you know them, and then, instantly, they can turn around and make a vent post with mean angles that destroys the confidence that they built up in you.

it doesn't matter that my reason for doing it was with "good intentions". i should have striven for a better solution

...so when my ex made his mile-long callout over a year after separating, and I found out it was "in response" to my short vent post...

I couldn't even read my vent post without feeling the embarrassment of "why did I post this publicly. this was stupid. this is so mean." and it's one of like 3 times I can remember being that mean on purpose with a destructive intent.

i just wanted to cut him away from my husband, and it ended up shattering his confidence.

but here's why I did it: I knew I had to write something that would signal "we can't talk again". because in my mind, if I didn't do that, my husb would have kept on trying to pressure my ex into a visit, and I... I didn't know how else to deal with that.

I went for the worst possible way of doing it, the least constructive one, because all my options looked horrible and so I had to pick between two kinds of shit

this does NOT excuse the hurt that he was caused

anyway. my bad feeling about my husb wanting to visit my ex...

made me feel urged to do something drastic. so... what I did was write a vent post about him on my side blog. all my frustrations about the weekend that my ex wouldn't listen to me over. all my frustrations about my efforts to help him getting turned on their head. but my tone in it was just so regrettably mean, because i felt so stupidly cornered. it was a bad decision to make those thoughts public.