When it comes to the tank role in RPGs - that is to say, the combatant who can handle being attacked without going down - there's several ways you can do it. You can be armored up so blows can't get through to you, you can be resistant to damage so blows don't do much or any damage when they do hit, you can have so many hit points that you can just take all the blows and survive, and you can be so hard to hit that you hardly ever take damage.

I think I achieve what emotional stability I have by being hard to hit. By recognizing what is happening so it doesn't surprise me, by understanding what is happening so I can contextualize it, by separating myself from what is happening so I don't get into a spiral over it.

I'm good at dodging the hits. But when I get hit, I don't have armor and I don't have resistance and I don't have hit points.

I hate it. I hate hate hate hate hate it. And it's hard not to hate myself, because I don't go down clean, don't know how to make sure I'm not hurting anyone else in my upset. Or how to tell if I am. Or how to tell the difference between hurting someone and asserting my own boundaries. Or anything.

I do a lot to be a helpful and considerate person, and to be responsible for my own shit, and then something actually gets through to me and I am helpless.