orientation/identity struggles
So. I think I'm kind of coming to terms with the fact that yea, Im attracted to *some* men. When specific conditions are met that I can't really determine, outside of being primarily attracted to alterhuman men.
It's really hard for me now bc I've struggled with wondering how much is compulsory het and just. Feeling not "nonbinary enough." Like I'm worried my attraction is straight or perceived as such despite it being literally impossible for me to be straight.
orientation/identity struggles
I just feel a lot of pressure bc I identify with women to some extent and I've been pushed so hard by cishet people around me who think I'm a woman and are just foaming at the mouth to push me into a relationship with a man and "prove" I'm really cishet after all. Like, my mother would just looove that and it infuriates me.
So saying I'm not attracted to men despite my being partnered with one is really a rebellion and defense against that, too. :/ Which isn't gr8
orientation/identity struggles
And I just. Really really don't wanna feel straight. And there's not a whole lot of support out there making me feel otherwise.
I know I was more comfortable with it when I thought I was a trans dude, so there's definitely something to that worry.
There's also the "boys r gross and bad" attitude I see in a lot of spaces I frequent and it kinda makes me feel bad about being attracted to them sometimes. Like I get it but it doesn't make me feel great.
orientation/identity struggles
And I cannot for the life of me find a way to describe my orientation that makes me comfortable? Im uncomfortable with bi and ply, am not pan, and really dislike any labels with a -sexual/-romantic suffix in general.
I'd really like a word that specifies my attraction to alterhumans specifically, as well, and at this point I'm thinking I might just have to coin one. And that's not a thing I'm thrilled with bc... I'm worried whatever I coin will just sound silly?
orientation/identity struggles
Plus with as many men as I've been traumatized by in my life, it's extra hard to admit I like some men. I feel like I'm not supposed to, and I feel like I'll get hurt if I do. :/
But I guess the fact of the matter is I do indeed like some men.