just encountered a coworker on his way out of the pharmacy as I walked in to refill my hrt prescriptions. I was dressed maximum femme and his eyes went wide but he kept walking without saying anything. I'm not out at work yet because I was waiting for my official name change order to arrive from the courts, which won't happen until July. somehow I hadn't run into a single coworker until just now. now I don't know what to do because I really wanted to control my work coming out timing

a couple people told me I might receive the name change order sooner than expected and when I got home, still wincing from that encounter, I got an official notice in the mail from the courts declaring... that I am being called for jury duty. get me off of this ride!!

yesterday I mentioned to my mom that I hadn't heard from my dad in nearly a year, since coming out to him, and I asked if I could use her phone to call him, with the excuse that he could come look at my warped doors...

I told him I'd started hormone replacement therapy and submitted my legal name change. he said 'o-kay. congratulations, I... guess," then changed the subject. he came over, blinked at my chest and said "well!," then talked to my mom for a bit and got to work on my doors.

I kept trying to find ways to mention what was up with me but he didn't really react, so when he asked me if I was hungry I said yes even though I'm not supposed to eat dinner anymore (long story; guess he forgot)

we had dinner and it felt relatively normal, then when he prepared to drive back home I told him that I'd been feeling like I wanted to reconnect with my family, and that the door-fixing was kinda just an excuse to talk to him, and he didn't really react. so when I said I'd like to talk to him more, he stammered through a lot of vague sentences about his schedule but wouldn't just agree to anything, and I said it was kind of hurtful that he didn't seem to care what was going on w/ me

he said he didn't really know what to say, which I had figured, and I said as much, but I said I just wished I had a closer relationship with him and he just wouldn't engage with that thought at all, and he started getting really defensive, pacing, rambling, and we ended up talking about like all of our shit, until 2am, him always just saying he never knew what to say to me, that his strictness was an attempt to protect me, that when he kicked me out it was tough love...

that he was 'raised differently,' that he has never been good with emotions, that he doesn't like talking about feelings because they make him uncomfortable, that he just likes to fix things but that's it, that if he's presented with something he can't fix he's frustrated... all things I had presumed but never heard him say

then he told me, my existence had alienated him from his church... which was also his job. was. he 'didn't know how to explain to people.' that... was new to me.

I could tell he was conflicted because his church, which my sister is high up in, is in a schism over whether or not they should 'accept' queer people. I learned that my sister and my dad are on different sides. my sister supports inclusion and is taking flak for it. my dad just kept saying it's 'not logical.' that love is for marriage and marriage is for procreation. he just kept repeating that point, clearly more confused than anything. like he just wished it would all go away.

we didn't really connect in the way I wanted to, but we did talk about a lot of what made growing up under his roof so hard for me, and he apologized (with caveats, but still) for the 'misunderstandings,' and just kept saying he was trying to protect me. but he also said he would have done things differently if he'd known. he seemed to take my HRT/name change news as 'proof' that I was 'actually serious' about this. I hope he processes it in his own way. we're going to try again soon

he did say he understands now why getting-a-good-job-etc things weren't as easy for me as they had been for him, and he talked openly of his own money issues for the first time ever. he mostly looked sad, but I kept telling him I was happier now. he seemed calmed by that. he said he just wanted me to 'be okay.' I said I wasn't always.

one of the last things I said was that mostly I was frustrated that I was broke and it was all costing so much money, the name change was so expensive

so, he handed me a hundred dollar bill, said he'd try to come back soon to check my car's alignment, and left so I could get 4 hours sleep. I made a note to get it in the bank before a big bill autopayment hits tomorrow. right before I crashed out, I saw that my housemate had won a $13,732.50 jackpot at a slot machine.

then today I had my one-month HRT check-in with my endo. she told me I had very low testosterone... before HRT. like, apparently I was at cis woman levels. ...huh!