Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [1]
There's been some conversation on the subject of sexuality in (primarily queer) communities; the tendency for folks meeting each other to follow this script over a short span of time:
1) Get to know someone
2) Cuddle with them
3) Have sex with them
This script is pretty well ingrained for many in the communities I've been part of, and on the surface there's nothing wrong with it, but it causes problems I feel should be more broadly discussed.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [2]
As with any well adopted social script, despite intentions to the contrary, it develops social expectations that others follow the script.
As an example, the common courtesy of asking someone how they're doing as part of a greeting. The question is meant to impart sincerity and warmth but ends up creating a different feeling altogether in the wrong circumstances-- but bypassing the question entirely tends to leave a negative impression.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [3]
As a result, asking someone how they're doing has become quasi-compulsory as part of a standard greeting, and increasingly, so is sex after getting close to someone you're getting to know.
Similar problems arise from the latter situation. When you stop the script prior to step 3, the script is broken. There is no well defined alternate route. Those relationships commonly fail with the assumption that one's interest was not returned.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [4]
The script also causes problems with consent. It implies an expectation of reciprocation without an established fallback method to make saying "no I don't want to have sex with you" mean something other than "no I'm not interested in you."
I think the emotional nature of relationships as a whole tends to cause many of these problems. We don't like logic getting in the way of our feelings of love and lust, and there's something to be said for that.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [5]
I'm not sure if there is a solution to this problem, but raising awareness of it certainly can't hurt. ♥️
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [6] (Addendum)
One other side-effect of the aforementioned script I forgot to include:
In spaces where that script is established, those who don't wish to follow the script end up being othered by those following the script. Not (usually) intentionally, but either because they're weary of having the script used on them, or they get to step 2, reject step 3 and lose their prospective partner because they assume a polite lack of interest.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [6] (Addendum)
@mawr That does sound really othering and upsetting and I'm sorry it's been happening to you. It's something I want to make sure does not happen to folks too, because I agree it's not a good pattern for everyone.
I do have to admit some confusion though, because it's not a pattern I've seen play out myself in recent years and I'm trying to figure out why/how I've missed it; random happenstance? I'm not the right gender presentation?
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [6] (Addendum)
@mawr With most folks I know in this community, I'd probably be in the same boat of not wanting to progress to 3, but at the same time, I've not felt that expectation. I suppose there's lots of potential reasons why (Let's name a few more: Am I missing social signals? Am I seen as unapproachable somehow?) and I'm worried that without seeing that myself, I won't know how to counter is.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [6] (Addendum)
@mawr I hope this does not sound like I'm trying to make this all about me; I believe this is a thing that's happening to you, and I believe that it feels very othering and uncomfortable. I want to help with that, so I'm trying to understand it better, and part of that to me is looking at why others of us might be missing it, even/especially those of us who might be affected by this script but aren't.
Re: Sexuality in Communities
@indi This is a pattern that doesn't present itself clearly for all to see; it's a pattern that's generally encouraged (and largely adored) by friendly communities in safe spaces. Places where two folks could meet and get to know one another, then end up snuggled up together later.
An invitation to step 3 comes in many forms depending largely on the confidence of the asker-- but almost all of them are kept very private-- invisible to anyone else.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [6] (Addendum)
@mawr (And to be even more clear, and I should have said this at the beginning, this NOT some sort of request for you to justify your position against any sort of skepticism, it's me thinking out loud as I try to get my head around the issue. I'm really happy you spoke up about this and I want to see this get better.)