assistant fox keeper @somekindofcrow@awoo.space

The point of the visit was for a consultation on HRT. Also to get a prescription so I could get massages covered because Insurance Fun Times.

Even with the nervousness and the exhaustion from dealing with bureaucracies taken into account my initial experience with the clinic was Very Not Good. Their patient intake process was... non-existent.

Like at no point did I ever tell anyone about my medical history and nobody knew I was new in the system.

Okay so after jumping through all the hoops I finally got to meet with my new PCP.

Short version of the story: It was without a doubt the best experience I've ever had in my life with a medical doctor for a whole lot of reasons and for the first time I left primary care not feeling shameful or terrible but hopeful and informed.

Long version to follow in reply to this post.

In case you're wondering this is the Northgate Kaiser Permanente clinic.

Opinion: Cryptonomicon is a romance novel and it's a bad one.

I don't think I'm just, like, smiled because I was generally happy for years now. Maybe more? I don't know.

These positive feelings are really weird.

Just kidding there's nothing here because of Lawyer Reasons!

It's been that kind of day I guess.

Coworker: "I opened the file you sent me and I tried to do something and it just says <<MEOW>>."

Me: Yeah that happens.

Finally went and read the source of the life expectancy of trans women of color (which is the closest census category that describes me I guess) being 35 thing and now I have feelings. Turns out I may not have all the spoons needed to confront it. I mean I'm not black and I'm not out so maybe it doesn't apply to me but.

I turn 35 in a month.

I have a therapist and a primary care doctor and now I just got an accountant I feel like fucking Nick Fury assembling a team of Avengers in the mission to make me not die.

I have progressed from "read my therapists all my awoo posts with MH content warnings" to "make a list in notetaking app of what I need to scream about".

Also I said "I am not a terrible person" in therapy today which is like the first time I've ever said that out loud not as a reaction to me saying I'm terrible and we had a mini-celebration.

@rowanyote https://www.fimfiction.net/story/210745/betrayal-at-house-on-the-hill

I have been in a tea shop for an hour+ and the shop owner has never once gendered her child despite having referred to them like several times even ten minutes this is amazing.

Currently the only way for me to get HRT covered by insurance is to switch my PCP to someone 1) whose clinic is 45 minute from me and 2) reminds me very much of the doctor I noped the hell away from for reasons including large amounts of body shaming and making very inappropriate comments about my body while doing examinations.

Casting net wider and reaching out to more people now, but honestly I just want to go cry in a corner forever right now.

Adding to list of things I need to talk to my therapist about: why am I making myself read the comments of an article about that startup that is using blockchains as a substitute for consent?

The Saturn V LEGO set is back in stock in case anyone has been eyeing it. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071G3QMS2

I got home from exhausting work trip and what do I find?

The weekly work memo that used to be plain text but then became a Publisher file attached to e-mail got worse.

It's now a kanban board.

It's a read-only kanban board where each column is a section of the memo (e.g., this week's events) and what used to be a bullet point (e.g., Tues 4PM all hands) is now a card, and because the columns are tiny a one/two line thing is now a wall of text.

I can no longer even.

Honestly this has been the most emotionally exhausting weekend I've had since pretty much forever.

I feel extremely vulnerable and terrible but also actually hopeful for the first time in a long time.

Also I may have said that I'm happy last night. At least for a moment. I don't remember saying that in over a year maybe more before last night.

Part of me wants to do more Fun Things now that I am done with work. But I think I'm just going to take a bath and sleep.

Like there's still that weird "omg a public women's bathroom is the most sacred of spaces only Real Women (tm) and maybe their castrated servants may enter and you have gone through neither ritual so if you go in the gods will smite you" thing going on in my head.

Except you know it's a fucking gross public bathroom and it's way the hell more forsaken than sacred.

Ended up using the girls room after everyone else has left the conference or ran to the last session. Victory!

Afterwards though I just used the men's rooms at malls / tourist attractions because hiking up a dress and a skirt to pee at a urinal is so much easier than waiting six hours for the women's room.

Why is peeing so complicated.

I am standing in front of a locked gender neutral bathroom debating whether to go to the boys room or girls room.

Girls Outside My Window: gets drunk on vodka and loudly flail at passing cyclists.

Me: gets drunk on 10 years aged white tea and makes up a new harmony line to Wayfaring Stranger but does it softly so I won't bother anyone.