Wobbly One Of Myriads @wobblewuffess@awoo.space

Good news! Nerve conductivity in my hands is great...

Bad news... that means something is else is wrong with them that has been presenting the same symptoms as carpal tunnel for years and is getting worse..

I've been on half dozen drugs for ADHD... most of them worked but had really nasty side effects for me.

So when I turned 18 I stopped taking anything for it and went unmedicated. This was not good for my higher education. Even 13 years later, I can clearly remember the inability to control the ebb and flow of my focus and creativity and it sucked.

Like not just in work and school but in my social life and things done for pleasure. Sometimes I could lose myself in a game or book for hours... other days I was listless and unfocused, unable to muster the attention to do anything.

I've been on provigil now since early 2013.. it works for really well for me.

On it, I feel... Sharp all the time.. like if something needs to be done or I want something done I easily muster the mental attention to see it through. Something I've never been able to do on demand off medication.

Maybe we'll have a good understanding of the human mind to prevent children from going through what I went through with Ritalin, Adderal, Straterra and Concerta... before an adult finding out that Provigil worked for me... because I got diagnosed with Shift-Work Sleep Disorder while working night shift.

A conversation that involved my use of provigil for ADHD had me thinking about some weird stuff with my childhood brain.

I did not learn to read until I was put on Ritalin in second grade.

But I was a straight A student that did amazing at anything but spelling tests.

Eventually one of my teachers realized that I could read but I didn't understand letters.

Written English was a pictographic language to me in until Ritalin came along. I linked whole words with meaning but each word was basically its own rune, I couldn't deconstruct it into component letters in my mind..

My second grade teacher figured this out because we had a project to write our on dictionary and use it for writing tasks.... mine was enormous... and included a mix of written definitions and stick figure sketches of concepts.

Which... as an adult I'm pretty impressed by. Kid me was faking "reading" my memorizing thousands of words as single glyphs of meaning.

It wasn't until my ADHD started getting treatment that I could really break things down into letters and really grasp the alphabet.

I'm probably writing all this because... I feel guilty for my frustration and anger toward him when he was younger. My college fund went towards paying for his first attempt at recovery... along with putting my mom hugely in debt.

During my recovery from shoulder surgery my senior year of high school I spent several nights in agony because he stole my pain meds.

I had a lot of selfish resentment for him when I should have been more understanding and supportive.

I don't know if it would have made a difference. Probably not..

I've tried to distance myself and isolate myself from my family... because outside of my mom and her husband... they don't understand me, or my own struggle with TG stuff or anything.

My brother doesn't even know..

I'm starting to ramble.. I don't know what to say other than I hate the way the our society has focused on punishment over rehabilitation and treatment... and I wish the world was different.. but I don't know how to change it.

Don't get me wrong, my younger brother is a drug addict, he has serious mental health issues and PTSD as the result of a years of physical abuse from my former stepdad and sexual abuse by a neighbor as a toddler...

During his teens he was definitely.. edging into scumbag territory and has stolen and pawned stuff from friends and family..

But after 2 years in prison for a drug charge he had started to get his life together, focused on taking care of his two kids and got married, had a stable job until Druggy CI buddy showed up a month ago.

He clearly needs serious mental health treatment... last time he saw someone.. we never got the full details but he also was abused in prison.. apparently.

So... he is a mess, he needs help.. but class warfare justice dictates drug use is a crime and not a mental health issue.. so he went to prison for heroine he didn't have on him at the time of his arrest (utah allows people to be charged with prior possession based on blood tests).

This fucked his life harder, it is extremely difficult to find a job with felony drug possession in Utah.

Knowing the court system out there... he will go likely do hard time for this... because of previous convictions.

I'm just... sad and angry.

I never knew how to help my brother... or my father with their struggles with addiction and PTSD.

I still don't. I just... I hate that the world is the way it is and that it broke someone with so much potential. I remember this creative, curious, intelligent person before the addiction...

I wish he could be that. I wish he could learn to deal with the horrible shit life dealt us as kids with out drugs... I know he will never stop being an addict... I hate the way our world treats people like him.

The last time I saw him in person, he was this focused, caring person that was getting up at 4am every day to work construction to make sure his kids had a place to live and a better childhood than him. That was 7 months ago.

So my little brother, the addict is looking at 5 years to life for aggravated robbery...

That as far as we can tell... and his well paid DA has determined so far.. is based on the testimony of his old druggy buddy turned CI who recently showed up in his life and basically destroyed it and the fact that a truck that look like his was seen on a traffic came nearby. (Not exactly an uncommon vehicle, 2011 Black Dodge Ram 2500 diesel 4x4 4 door, especially in that part of Utah)

Of course CI druggy "friend" is not in jail while my brother has spent a week in jail with no bail posted, and no charges until today (day 7).

During which he started having seizures from methadone withdraw because the county jail refuses to give methadone to him or any other meds for that matter.

Oh and they are charging him $45/day for the jail stay.

Druggy buddy is the person responsible for getting him kidnapped and beaten by a local gang because buddy got him using again... and took him somewhere to score... said gang knew buddy was a CI and beat, tortured and kidnapped my little brother, took his truck and stripped... forced him to sell drugs at gun point (later witnessed by my mom when she showed up at the location his phone was pinging when she turned on the tracker).

The robbery in question took place while his wife swears he was at home and his phone shows the same...

He is also being charged with a parole volition (drug stuff from a few years ago) because his phone was stolen when he was kidnapped... and his PO ignored the voicemail from him because it was from my mom's phone number... thus the PO is insisting that he missed a check in..

Now I'm extra sleepy because I missed sleep for this.. like a whole hour and half..

Ugh... I was supposed to get my hand zap measured today... (nerve conductivity) and the clinic lost power :(

Bleh... spent the last 3 hours and some change sick in the bathroom... and now I'm craving veggies and carbs... but at the same time... thought of eating makes me feel sick... and I'm hungry.

I would like to request a better frame, maybe one with durable internals..

Anyway... I suppose I should share the positive stuff too..

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/30716750/

FA link for those wanting the source.. attaching low rez to this post.

So... of course tonight is another night of drama... because like... things are okay here... and I'm really happy because I just got a commission I've been wantinng for almost half a year.. please note it was only commissioned in Jan... I just have had a specific idea from a specific person and it turned out wonderful and the artist loved doing and got tons of much deserved complements from some of the other big name artists they stream with often on it...

20 minutes after they send me the finished pieces... my mom calls me sobbing because my little brother has been arrested for two armed robberies... one we know where he was during it but supposedly his truck was there.

The other... happened during the 24 hours he was missing... and the police refused to look for him... and my mom rescued him from a gang because after they took his phone didn't turn it off and she insisted when she got it to help him with work that it have tracking enabled.

So after he had been missing and unreachable she pinged a few times, the police wouldn't show up... so she and her husband showed up at the gps location... and watched him being forced to sell drugs at gunpoint for 2 hours... before he was 'let go' and his truck 'returned' completely stripped of anything easily removed without disabling it.
The shit had been beat out of him and eventually he confessed to my mom he had been doing crack with a former friend of his that got a job at the same temp position he'd been working for the last 3 months he'd been sober..

His friend had also OD in his car while my brother was at a clinic getting his methadone a week before this.

So his buddy and him went to some place is buddy suggested to score... and they held them both at gun point, stripped and beat them and tied my brother to a chair and interrogated him because his 'buddy' was apparently a known informant and they thought my brother was one too.. supposedly. My mom saw how badly beat up he was... and saw them forcing him to deliver several suit cases to various cars at gun point.

Eventually his truck showed back up in the hotel parking lot and my brother was shoved in to the passenger seat of his truck and left in it with his hands zip tied behind his back. He had bruises and cuts on his wrists and ankles from what look like over zip ties..

Of course my mom has been terrified about talking to the police about this because they have his phone and probably everything it... and his parole office was down his throat.. because he hadn't called, or checked in... despite him calling on my mom's phone, in front of my mom and telling him they needed to talk and that he didn't have his phone anymore and to call her...

Why the fuck is my family so fucked? So... my mom calls me as I'm trying to leave to get dinner and take Aurora to work.. and after 15 minutes I have tell her that I can't keep talking, I have to go... it's 9pm... I've not had dinner and I need to take my partner to work... and she is just sobbing... and I feel like shit.. .still.

Housemate just got a look at their food too and it is wrong... so we got someone else's order completely..

Just fuck tonight... so much. Not enough that I get in a fight with partner that leaves me in tears... no

fucking doordash has to massively screw up an order that arrives late, so late that basically nothing is open... and my food is literally inedible by me.. oh and their website fails to load the help the page when I open it to request a refund. So I gueess... it is canned soup and trying not to cry again tonight.

Since I got a horny call out.. I suppose I should share the reason for it.

lol... just came across a legacy system with NFS lockup issues... uptime.. 2745 days.. holy shit

I'm also not sure I could go back to 1080p on a 14-15" display... but 1080p 144hz displays are all the rage on gaming oriented laptops... I rather like my 3k display for regular stuff...

So... I need to replace my -not- laptop 2014 Razerblade 14" which I have a ton of regrets about. It hasnt had a working battery in 18 months. One of the fans died and the second is on its way out and they can't be replaced without solder work.

I need some one to talk me out of shelling out for something like a MSI G65 or Gigabyte Aero 15X.

Like... I can afford it... but I have a gaming rig. That is only barely showing its age because I want to do 1440p 144hz gaming and my 1070 is not up to the task.

So in theory in I could not buy a beefy laptop and buy something like a RTX 2070 for my desktop... but then there are the few times I travel for work... or visit my folks... but really.

What do I want? Something in 13-15" range... sub 5lbs.

Dedicated gpu, 16GB of ram min, and at least 512GB of Nve storage.

Aside from the thermal issues killing the battery I really loved my razerblade 14" for the first 2 years I owned it.. I still love the form factor but I'm not willing to dump 2.5k USD on something that starts falling apart in a 2 years. Plus from some reading they have some serious QC issues... still with their laptops.

Ugh... first day after getting more than 5 hours of sleep... in 3 days... and got a whole 8 last night... but today... I'm exhausted... and dizzy. Standing up is causing serious vertigo.

Thanks body..

At least I'm not oncall... but I might call in sick tomorrow...

IDK... got a little bit of critical work done laying in my bed but I really... really want to nap.... and WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL THE INSTRUCTORS FOR THESE AWS TRAINING VIDEOS SO MONOTONE THEY ARE PUTTING ME EVEN MORE TO SLEEP!

Kindle highlights ate the formatting but...

"<You’ve always got a story,> Amavia replied with a laugh.
Sabrina considered that. She never really told her stories much, but because they were always made alongside her crew, she didn’t have to—Amavia was new so there was a lot of lore for her to catch up on. That was what Sabrina liked the most about being a starship. Her stories were always made with her favorite people, and they stayed attached to her forever. She thought back over her past, to all the things she’d done, all the adventures.
It really was the best life she could have ever hoped for. One she planned to keep living for a long time to come. Mobile frames are nice, but I really just like being a starship."

and this..

"After keeping close to the departing strand for a day, Amavia brought the Garrulous Brooke alongside Sabrina and, when the ship’s original crew returned to their vessel, Amavia reboarded Sabrina. And once again the entire crew was inside her hull.  Sabrina felt complete. Happy. Like a starship should."

"

Also.. re-reading that... please ignore the valley girl tone. Somehow I used a lot of "like" and "so like" and I'm not really sure where it came from...

Going to blame it on 5 hours of sleep... and feeling sick