wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

realizing i actually really diagnosably might be autistic is feeling a lot like realizing i was gay felt back then: years of mild suspicion without really taking it seriously, but then once it gets real, i sink into depression and utter terror at the thought

this despite never actively being taught against either of those things?, just kinda culture-osmosis-ing the fear of being different (in a new way on top of all the existing stuff) and the insults directed occasionally at people like that

even though neither of those things were new ways of being different from the people around me. rather, these are things that have always been there with me. they're actually fundamental core ways that i've always BEEN different from the people around me

rukis' new books will probably be available as ebooks about 2 seconds after i finally give up on waiting and order paper copies

biting off more than i can chew at a time when i'm already completely lost 👍🥳

silver lining: i don't have to worry about what i'll write to The Institute for National Insurance when it's time to start renewing my disabled status next month; the truth of my situation is bad enough as it is,, as usual🥳😭

and now i've stayed up all night worrying about upcoming medical procedures and the irreparability of my brain

i think this past week marks a record fucked upness of my sleep schedule

it's 5:33 am and i spent all night worrying and not managing to fall asleep (for the first time in my life actually so....... congratulations me 🤡🥳😭)

gonna print a t shirt that says "im so neurodivergent it hurts (no really it does the pain never subsides gods help me this hurts so mu"

wish i had the courage to jump off the balcony or sth. but i don't. so yall get to read this post instead

tired, aching, afraid, and lost

woke up at 2pm with minus infinity motivation

but then again how am i supposed to fall asleep with all this ~impending doom~ all around me and inseparable from me

wolfgang what are you doing you don't even like poetry in english go to bed it's almost 4am

wolf
wolf pup, really
navigating
through the world
with a head full of daggers

lost
but i know where i am, really
nowhere
existing, masking
alive and not quite living

i am like 5 layers of yak shaving in, and now i gotta wait A LITERAL HOUR for xcode to download stuff

programming is basically building a rube goldberg machine except the wacky unstable collection of parts you're assembling together is also a mission critical and vital part of society

woke up at 3pm feeling worthless and lazy and undeserving of anything

i made like 75% of my code work with this one library, but it just matches TOO MUCH stuff! like you'd search for "dan" and it would mark every word containing "d", "a", or "n"

so now (probably tomorrow) im gonna have to find another one and refactor my code to use it, probably taking up several more hours, and i'm starting to doubt if it'd actually fit my overly complicated needs

trying to find a non stupid text search library is proving to be capital d Difficult