wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

i just....,,,,, i can't believe with all the precautions i took for almost two whole years that a person i thought i could trust has infected me with The Plague

i knew i shouldn't trust him after [redacted], [redacted], or [redacted] and yet i was dumb and so i did it again

nose a little sneezy and throat a little achey but my head feels fine today

@Siph very, very same

i'm actually feeling ok today? i think? idk. what does ok even feel like i wanna be dead anyway

welp

@glitternoodle !!

did u know 3: the only things i want are impossible to get/do anyway and i can't get myself to stop wanting them

did u know 2: i can't form meaningful relationships of any kind and when i try it fails spectacularly

did u know: i am a force of negativity in the world and if i died it would be a net positive

yknow...... how bout....... stead a doin all these things i wanted................ i jus lie in bed and ideate suicide

i can't tell if this is slightly better because the dreams themselves are less stressful than usual, or if this is infinitely worse because being wanted by attractive men is my # 1 goal/affirmation in life 🙃

my nightmares lately seem to revolve mostly around the theme of "attractive men and why they aren't into me"

@else sounds like a terrible game and i really wanna play it now

like some of it was nice and interesting and cool but mostly i felt overwhelmed by the interaction

throwback flashback random memory whatever the kids call it, to friday night when a friend made me try out vrchat (in desktop mode) and i got overwhelmed by the interaction and shut down, but didn't want to offend my friend so i stayed in the game and suffered

am i making sense or am i just super duper high

earlier today i was thinking about how i'm terrible at knowing people, and that i don't actually know any of my friends, and i suddenly had the realization:

maybe i'm not an extremely inconsistent personality with nothing to base my sense of self on --- maybe i'm just terrible at knowing people and that includes myself

sometimes people take me making stupid jokes as a good sign; but i think they don't realize it's a form of self hate designed to make my issues seem less important and less deserving of attention (which is what i usually believe about most of my issues)

* eat hot chip
* lie