wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

my 6 year old laptop (which is a 7 year old model) is starting to be real slow at some things (while it's still perfectly ok for others)

but you know what's a thing that might make me feel ever so slightly less shit for like 10 minutes??? that's right impulse buying a new computer!!!!!!!!!!!

haha wouldn't it be funny if i just randomly died

i feel worthless and dumb and fickle

my head is in chaos

i've been on sick leave for three years now and i've made 0 progress on any front

wow guess what i want to friggin die

body literally ticklish from friggin PANIC

friggin done

a buildup of impotent creative desire

fine, i'm irreparably broken; sure, whatever

but i need someone i trust* to tell me it's okay that i'm irreparably broken and i'm still valuable** to them

* number of people in my life who would qualify: 0

** in 2-3 very specific ways that i care about and only those

today i can't handle the crushing weight of responsibility for... *checks notes* taking the vegetables out of the delivery box and putting them in the fridge

waking up in the morning to a head full of noise and mild fear threatening to escalate

4 is the absolute worst way to deal with me in any situation

1 is preferable to 4, and a great way for me to know not to bother with contacting that person anymore

2 requires energy from me that i don't always have

3 is well intentioned and probably more helpful than not, but it's also not quite What I Need

friends have different responses to my... crises let's call them:
- floating away and disappearing
- ignoring the crisis and offering distractions
- making sure i eat and don't kill myself
- getting angry at me for being depressed

previous exes mostly didn't understand that i even needed any kind of support and i didn't know how to communicate it

from family i got mostly "ugh come on you're already X years old you should be acting better than this"

people who have ever given me emotional support that felt supportive and not destructive:

- my toxic ex pre-nuclear-breakup
- that's it. that's the list

i think i need emotional support of some kind, but it's so rare for me to have experienced it at any point in my life that i just literally don't know how to get that

context: i woke up

now what? do i just go on about my life just without the ability to speak?