wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

did u know 2: i can't form meaningful relationships of any kind and when i try it fails spectacularly

did u know: i am a force of negativity in the world and if i died it would be a net positive

yknow...... how bout....... stead a doin all these things i wanted................ i jus lie in bed and ideate suicide

i can't tell if this is slightly better because the dreams themselves are less stressful than usual, or if this is infinitely worse because being wanted by attractive men is my # 1 goal/affirmation in life 🙃

my nightmares lately seem to revolve mostly around the theme of "attractive men and why they aren't into me"

like some of it was nice and interesting and cool but mostly i felt overwhelmed by the interaction

throwback flashback random memory whatever the kids call it, to friday night when a friend made me try out vrchat (in desktop mode) and i got overwhelmed by the interaction and shut down, but didn't want to offend my friend so i stayed in the game and suffered

am i making sense or am i just super duper high

earlier today i was thinking about how i'm terrible at knowing people, and that i don't actually know any of my friends, and i suddenly had the realization:

maybe i'm not an extremely inconsistent personality with nothing to base my sense of self on --- maybe i'm just terrible at knowing people and that includes myself

sometimes people take me making stupid jokes as a good sign; but i think they don't realize it's a form of self hate designed to make my issues seem less important and less deserving of attention (which is what i usually believe about most of my issues)

* eat hot chip
* lie

today i am going to:
* smoke weed
* feel terrible
* maybe make soup once the supermarket delivery gets here
* continue feeling terrible
* continue smoking weed

basically being who i wanna be is an impossibility because my mind and body are way too fucked up to ever be able to get there ✨

ooh gettin some real good wanna die vibes today

still feeling weird and i think i coughed like twice at night

been craving consensual sexual touch again lately. too bad i'm literally quarantined

am i feeling weird because i smoked too much weed? or am i feeling weird because i'm getting sick? or am i feeling weird because i just do that sometimes with no reasonable explanation?

nose a little ticklish and congested this morning

my throat feels a little sore this morning 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

my dad has covid. i was with him in the same room for a good 8 hours. god help us