wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

skipped a meal due to overstimulation and wanting to jump into the highway, but it got late and the only places open in portland that can do the one specific food i wanted (american breakfast at 12am basically) are both bar+diner places with loud rock music that are right next to each other

so i earplugged my ears with the extra small earplugs i bought earlier, took an uber (asked the uber driver to slow down by showing him a note on my phone) and went into the first one

i sat down, but no one came up and the bartender only made eye contact once and then went back to her conversation afterwards, i felt terrible for missing the mysterious cue that told everyone else how to order food, and went outside

smoked weed to calm down, and entered the place next to it (which i had to go to last night as well btw 🙃 because this city has negligible nightlife)

the waitress didn't know asl but i pointed at things on the menu and pantomimed scrambled eggs,,,,, and! i!! ordered!!!!! the food!!!!!!!!!!! hhhhhhhh

there
is
food
on
the way
hhhhhhdhshsisoapswkdhsaospdlwksbxjspaqpsjfheoeid

fine i guess i won't eat then

want....... death

"oh no this is too familiar. was there caffeine in anything i had today"

i need a plate and utensils for some of my food, and i know the hotel can supply that; but everyone downstairs was busy tending to a long line of people, so the only way to get stuff is........ a phone call

something something not ada compliant?

the hotel room is so quiet and contains no one but me

and like in a few minutes i usually get to 100% verbal and can keep going, but it takes some effort almost every time

almost every morning of my entire life i wake up nonverbal and speaking my first words of the day feels like trying to start an old timey lawnmower

wait.......... i can just,,,,,,,,,, choose not to speak now??????? 🥲🥲🥲🥲 fucking finally

today i had a full blown autistic meltdown/panic attack at the hospital; i fell down on the floor crying and couldn't speak or even open my eyes because of overstimulation

but i had a little notebook, and i was wise enough yesterday to write on the cover in permanent marker "can't speak (can hear)" and "i know a little asl"

so they got an asl interpreter via video chat! and so in the middle of a full blown panic/meltdown, i was actually able to communicate with the world by signing!!!!

i am so so so fucking glad i took the time to learn basic asl. literally saved me today

i am irreparably broken and i want to die

so i'm at a hospital in a foreign country

today i am: in pain in several different places, unable to speak or make eye contact, sleep deprived, afraid of every single food, hating every single aspect of myself and everyone else, hating myself for hating every single aspect etc, having trouble navigating terrible public transit, generally overwhelmed, wishing i was dead, and now as of sending this toot also crying

i've still got over an hour on this train and then a 30 minute bus and a who-knows-how-long walk/uber before i get to my hotel and i have no idea how i'll manage any of this,,, but one thing i've learned is that personally i can usually manage in most situations even if i don't know how (it's just energy intensive and stressful)

being in terrible pain and going to the bathroom 7477467 times while on a 6 hour train ride and thus both subjected to terrible bathrooms and unable to smoke weed: 0/10 would not recommend

today i am: in pain

fun fact before i had my medical license i almost never took any weed on israeli trains because of this

fun fact 2 yes this does create huge lines during rush hour

did you know? you have to go through a metal detector (and sometimes put your bag through an x ray) at every single train station in israel; and there is (or used to be?) an armed guard aboard every train in addition to the regular conductor; and there are definitely always more than 0 armed guards at every train station that's not closed;

so uhhhh, i guess, uh, cheer up, americans, it could be worse?........

usually, amtrak trains run late because the tracks are owned by private companies that aren't incentivized to play nice with the passenger trains and so deprioritize them in various ways

today, my amtrak train was late because we had to stop for ten whole minutes at some random ass town in the middle of nowhere so a "disorderly passenger" could be taken off the train by "law enforcement personnel", and that's 100% of the information i have about the incident