wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

about a month ago i stopped liking things, and so far only weed has made any kind of temporary dent in that

i hate existing, but when i'm high at least i also, in addition to my hatred for existence, like games, books, snacks, and podcasts again

my body is a dev version of a human body being forced to work in a production environment

i did the new physiotherapy exercises i was told to do and now my wrist/arm/hand hurts even more

i should prooooobably take a shower? but instead maybe i can just sit here in the edge of my bed and wish i was dead????

i probably stopped making sense like 3 posts ago but whatever

((i wish i could be like my parents and have my emotional state actually match the state that my life is in, because then i'd have spent most of my life pretty darn happy, instead of having everything i could want but only really wanting to die))

(and my life isn't even shit, you know? i just get irrationally unhappy every now and then regardless of the actual objective state of things)

also it leaves me tired for several days after and then i'm all like "oh no i shouldn't have smoked" then 5 minutes later "haha life is shit lets smoke"

but this is probably a sign of addiction forming so i also feel guilty at the same time

lets me at least enjoy things like books and youtube and solitaire

and weed just distracts me from that for a few hours

i hate to use weed as an emotional crutch but you know what else i hate? being alive

really strong wishing i was dead vibes today

did some physiotherapy exercises to make myself feel like i'm at least *trying* to do *something* about *anything* at all

wishing i was dead but not brave enough to try anything

i'll never be pretty or muscly or even remotely fuckable

every Atractive Person either on Gay Apps or on the street just makes me feel so Amazingly Bad

filled with envy and despair

update since i've been away from here for a while:

i wanna die and everything i do is at best only a distraction from wanting to not live anymore