social interaction question
so could someone explain to me why neurotypical people seem to get so upset when you try to explain your reasoning for doing a wrong thing as part of an apology?
we feel pretty much obligated to because someone accepting an apology without understanding our thought process that led to making the mistake feels meaningless, but people *very* often seem to get upset when we try to explain our thoughts
social interaction question
@Felthry I feel like discussing this maybe sometime not right now, if you want.
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@BatElite Sure, but i don't know what sorts of discussion we'd be able to add to it
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@Felthry Maybe talking is a better word IDK I'm kinda overwhelmed by a lot of stuff right now. :<
I'm too sleepy right now, but I hope I've helped.
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@BatElite yeah <3 get some rest, i hope you feel less overwhelmed soon
social interaction question
@Felthry having told someone off for this in the past, here's my take: explanations of actions, when done poorly, can very easily come across as "here's why what I did actually makes perfect sense and is fine". It can also cause further hurt if it reveals that the offending party doesn't actually understand why their actions were harmful.
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@starkatt Our intention with that sort of thing is usually "here's why what I did made sense *at the time*", because I feel like it's important to get across that it was done out of ignorance, not malice
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@Felthry :nod: there are definitely ways it can be done helpfully, but they're easy to mess up sometimes
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@Felthry i’m in the same boat – being on the spectrum, i’m aware misreads are bound to happen and i’m more likely to step on people’s toes because of them. so i also tend to want to explain why i did what i did. (like you – i want to add that ‘why it made sense at the time’, and also as a reassurance that it wasn’t done out of malice)
but apparently, it’s also a common thing for bad actors to do to centre the discussion back on themselves. usually to sidestep needing to address that they did something wrong to begin with, and then to establish that they actually didn’t do anything wrong at all. (a la ‘i’m just being rational/objective/whatever and you’re just an emotional brainwashed sjw eejit who gets wrongly bent out of shape as a hobby. look at me, poor victim of political correctness gone mad!’)
it’s really nontrivial to navigate. i found it helpful to focus on putting a good apology first, and frame my explanation in terms of misreads & ‘my bad.’
social interaction question
@Felthry From what I understand its that people seem to imagine apologising as some act of one-sided repentance rather than a dialogue. Doing otherwise is I guess seen in bad faith.
It doesn't really sit right with us either TBH, because in situations where you feel both parties have done wrong the 'ideal' approach still seems to be "only bring up what you did wrong", which doesn't actually guarantee things get resolved. :/