This time of year is always hardest for me, because I want to be with the people I care about, but often cannot be.

The past few years, I put work and family obligations ahead of seeing friends and being around people that were genuinely good for me. I've found that has left me reticent and anxious when I... would much rather spend the holidays with folks I enjoy spending them with.

I'm trying to break that pattern. Probably imperfectly this year, but still, progress.

I've come to realize that I come off as surly and distant because I spend way too much time tending to obligations (house, work, finances), and too little actually having fun or interacting anymore.

I keep justifying this to myself as putting off fun for another day to keep everything stable. But I... don't like constantly being the person that does that.

I guess that also makes it really easy for people to grow distant, too, which makes it hard to break the pattern.

I know I keep saying I'm going to be better at this, that I should try to reach out to people again, and that that keeps kind of falling onto the floor. I guess I've kind of forgotten _how_, for lack of practice and higher levels of anxiety than my baseline in 2014/2015.

I guess the recurring theme is, I really want to stop being the person that holds things together. I really shouldn't have to be, and I really want to just be a person again. Y'know?