longing
It is not emotionally maintainable for me to spend 2 weeks out of every 52 reconnecting with people and feeling like I belong again, sometimes flying half a world away to do so (NDG), while letting the other 50 remain fallow.
Which is another way of saying NDG is going well, and that I miss people the remainder of the time. Not just specific people, but any sense of community again.
That is not an impossible thing, even in the dark times. Especially in the dark times.
longing
@Goldkin My feeling is that too much weight has been put into wishing for specific collections of people again, and just putting things off until a nearly unending list of practical demands are met. This is also not sustainable for me.
I don't really know what to do about it. I spend much of the remainder stewing in my own feelings of self-doubt that I do not fit in and replaying the specific events that cast me out of my older communities. And all that does is comfort and stall action.
longing
@Goldkin And the good weeks, that 2 of 52, remind me I am not broken, that I am still good at caring for people, and that I am not the varying horrors that drove me from those old places.
I just wish I were better at pulling it all together, and at not being terribly afraid of a repeat of the fallings out and accusations and pain. Because I know that passes, too, even if it scars.
For now, I should probably sneak back to enjoying the rest of this trip and making the best of the time.