mh ~ 

Ugh. Weird mood stuff towards the end of last night, then my GI tract decides it ain't happy, and even more weird self-doubt sinks in.

Fantasizing about existence being a toggle switch, where suddenly a single thing means my life is happier forever, fits into a whole batch of fantasies; having some of my 20s back, being adopted into my forever home (I used to work animal rescue, the phrasing really does describe these wants), suddenly landing some great opportunity doing art for bucks.

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mh ~ 

Rationally (ironically turns out to mean "emotional realizations from Buddhism and psychadelics") I know that process is cumulative, can be very inconsistently episodic and that there's no instant cure for everything.

Irrationally I still buy into lots of old dogma (storm the gates of heaven in my 20s or never, quick fix solutions to complex questions, etc) and I'm pretty sure dogmatism is a short term survival technique which eats energy to actually look for different long term solutions.

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