Nightmare Before Christmas/Thirteenth Warrior: Jack Skellington, disaffected by how Halloween seems the same every year, travels to a Scandinavian wonderland of jotnar, vargar and shattered mead-halls, and returns home thinking the meaning of Thors-blot is just severed heads and scorn-poles. Whoops

journaling, personal success or lack thereof, etc 

Years ago, I was stuck in the checkout line at Grocery Outlet in downtown Oakland, and all the magazines made me HATE humanity, and I made my peace with it by thinking;

rather than this reflecting that 98% of my fellows are this awful, maybe it's only 25-40% because that's the best you can predict and all you need to keep going selling magazines.

I am now thinking about this in the PTSD/childhood context. You won't find Model Railroader or Narrow Gauge and Shortline Gazette in the Grocery Outlet check out. You will PROBABLY find them at Barnes and Noble. You will DEFINITELY find them at a railway museum gift shop. Not all places have the same chance of a rule being true.

I am also thinking about this with unemployment, and personal success etc. I grew up with this huge personal responsibility put on me - but I know life is full of randomness. Rather than my (sometimes lacking) intelligence, drive, skills and adaptability granting me a 98-100% chance of success (where if I fail, it is obviously my fault), even a version of me that's able to push has a 25-40% chance of success.

But on the flip side, someone else being "better" than me, chosen to receive whatever over me? What if that chance is *also* a 25%-40% deal of their intelligence, skills, and (you knew this, coming out of my background, was going to surface) better looks/more extroversion? There's a lot of employer decision making which is opaque to me - internal candidates might surface or have always been preferred, interns might do the job for cheaper, reqs can get cancelled, snap decisions could be made or forced. A lot of different reasons I might lose out and so might someone who is a legitimately better applicant.

I'm split between whether since I'm *not* Black, I shouldn't think about the subtler grinding ongoing forms of anti-Blackness;

*or* how, since I'm Jewish and therefore not a minority with nothing to complain about, I should actually look to others' marginalized experiences for cues on what might be dinging me in *my* subconscious.

ethnic stuff, xenophobia etc. I dunno. 

It's weird how the Asian-American experience is the EXACT opposite of the Jewish-American experience. America wants Asians to remain foreign and separate; you could be as whitebread as the average Iowan with family who got here in the mid 1800s, but you'll be treated like you just stepped off the plane. By comparison Jews can't be assimilated and branded invisible whites fast enough (and then it gets turned on us for being evil infiltrators).

And it's wild how African-American experience is both yet NEITHER of these. Black people were supposed to be apart and yet not have a culture of their own and, when they kitbashed one, Black culture was another commodity.

really hits those childhood buttons about "an adult or peer has decided that no matter what I do I am going to fail so they can then tell me how stupid I am for not understanding something obvious." This is something about my childhood y'all probably didn't need to know right?

update, dealing with Discord was so intuitive and user friendly that I successfully finally reset my password, then it told me my email didn't exist, then I made a new account and it couldn't find friends by name, so after saying FUCK YOU loudly and punching into my own hand several times I decided that I'm going to give up on Discord for the evening.

I really miss drawing with blue col-erase pencils. They had such a nice feel and of course they were easier to clean up after inking.

So wait “smells like teen Spirit” was Kurt trying to write a Pixies song and wound up swiping “I bleed,” Dave Grohl admits swiping the drum pattern from a Bad Brains song.

So Teen Spirit was a hit because it was assembled from elements which were all good in themselves?

I still haven't heard anything back so I figure I didn't get the job at Africatown. And I mean, it probably SHOULD go to an African-American, just it would have been a good job with what sure seemed like good people doing something I could believe in.

poop

I still need to download Adam Driver so I can run Adam on my laptop

I am a MACHINE for turning EXISTENTIAL DREAD into POOR BODY IMAGE

well and a truly horrible opinion of my art and intelligence etc, but this is more compact

It's been cold so late into this year - I think it's weather patterns shunted over, after the comparatively mild winter. It's probably a little early to worry about how bad late summer's gonna get, but it's also around 6 and I've barely slept, so naturally I think about it.

having gender feels again. This is kinda not the best time for it.

apparently it's being a bad sleep night so I might try to roll with that a bit and just be a lump for Wednesday.

*Cate Blanchett voice*

The world has changed. I feel it in the water. I smell it in the air. Much that once was, isn't. For there are few now who remember it.

* rant about free porn on Tumblr *

1) the screen on this laptop is probably hosed. This is NOT a good time to have to find a new laptop, but when WAS going to be a good time?

2) I am up thanks to acid reflux.

3) Half-asleep reading a feat in an old Dragon magazine and thinking "what if we didn't carefully measure out movement by squares and instead just threw out bonuses or penalties to hit based on whether someone really hauled ass to attack or retreat" leads to more awake "what if I ran Dungeon World?"

most OWoD fans are split on whether Count Chocula is a Ventrue, Tzimisce or even Malkavian, but White Wolf never officially answered this question

DYSCALCULA: severely impacts your ability to process numbers and mathematics

DYSCALIGULA: severely impacts your ability to be proclaimed a deity and appoint your horse to the Senate. Typically includes being assassinated by the Praetorian Guard

*blasts music from Darkman*

hee hee hee hee, CHRISTMASTIME!

Interview 2 down. I REALLY like this one and the interview lasted 30 minutes so maybe I did okay, and now no matter what else happens I feel shaken and weepy. Maybe I should get another food thing.

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