house -, abuse history, religion
This house remains distinctly not/home. My housemates ARE working hard at fixing the place- but I tend not to see that. Instead I see that I’m the only person doing dishes, that I have to go off site for laundry, there’s no room for me individually in the fridge, the lack of usable public space, and my rent/utilities.
house -, abuse history, religion
Oh and the lack of insulation and how I can’t use whatever soap I please.
Given that I still have tons of housemate-what-moved-with-me stuff in my room and I *don’t* resent her, I really suspect this is childhood baggage about older adults; “we do what we want and if you aren’t miserable that’s a nice extra, WHY DON’T YOU SEEM HAPPY?” I suspect I’m not giving them enough credit, though I think in the future I want to avoid living with older housemates.
house -, abuse history, religion
I realize this is stuff I hit in therapy last year; my contact with Jewish communities has been superficial and infrequent which means my impression of us is rooted in memories of family obligation, in comic stereotypes, in history that’s largely painful and intentionally erased, and in non-Jewish treatment which is overwhelmingly negative. Joy and meaning is hard to spot- and my childhood indoctrination kicks in that I’m being disproportionately punished.
house -, abuse history, religion
In related news I realize I keep viewing Yom Kippur as a (disproportionate) punishment rather than an emotional utility; something adults have arbitrarily decided I’m doing, so I’m stuck. Since I’m from a fundamentalist Christian region originally, it’s taken years to get through *maltheism* to get to here. And I find it relates to perceiving Jewishness as an arbitrary punishment of sorts - which isn’t a healthy way to regard my ethnicity and ancestral traditions.