Personal rambling
Honestly I thought getting old I’d be dealing with cynicism, burnout, and self validation despite all the places I’ve “failed”. I hadn’t expected just how fucked up society and while that means less self hate…
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Personal rambling
(I’d very much been trained everything was my fuck up, but even if I’d had emotional and fiscal resources to bash through limitations that’s no guarantee of “success,” success may be a lot more modest and nuanced than well-off-and-married-with-kids-doing-your-passion-for-money, and it’s really obvious that a lot of far worse actions and actors are successful thanks to luck, horrible bias etc) the cynicism and burnout are worse…
Personal rambling
(pandemic, runaway cost of living, wage stagnation, housing less available, murderous racism, religious fanaticism etc at best brushed off and at worst actively supported by authority, the feeling that having tread water for so long there’s more treading water ahead, etc). Aging turns out difficult in dimensions other than expected and again, I’m profoundly lucky to have started hitting my personal issues in the 90s, when the surrounding environment was less obviously hostile.