So I realized that I’d subverted a lot of things that I wanted into “I’m going to be a professional artist and things will be great.” Now that it looks less like I’ll go even semi professional as an artist and I‘ve done some heavy lifting in “yeah this is still meaningful,” I am faced with other desires to express my individuality which I’d previously subverted.
@Leucrotta how are you doing with that realization? How does it feel?
@eredien A mix. "I'm going to be a professional artist" had a lot of job facing stuff like "I want to do a job I'm emotionally engaged with," "I want to have more freedom to set my own hours," "I wish my job was something that obviously benefited someone other than my employer," some of it's still very uncomfy.
One part was obviously "I want justification for going to cons, a way to pay for at least some of it, and a default thing to do."
@eredien Other bits were idealizations, and there's a lot of "wanting to be thought of as admirable and valuable for what I can do," which like "I want my artwork to make people happier," doesn't necessarily require being professional.