Journaling re self hate
I’ve been realizing just how much all the negativity is basically an artifact I could not avoid. Paul Ekman proposes an emotional refractory period based on frequency and intensity of experiences and until I got out there were no breaks. I’d go from actual abuse to merely routine criticism, isolation, or routine anger from my parents, without being to differentiate or depersonalize it because I literally did not have processing time or much positive input.
Journaling re self hate
Just this big cloud of hypervigilance because I was in the same places with the same people, without enough food, sometimes without enough sleep, and just stuck/trapped/treading water in ways which would have created CPTSD if they hadn’t plugged right into the PTSD I had from the accident, AND with ethnic and Reagan Era trauma running constantly in the background. None of these experiences really have anything valid to say about my intelligence, looks, or capabilities.
Journaling re self hate
What really supports this for me are fairly detailed memories of stuff with my friends Peter or Ryan, Russian class, stuff at gaming club meetings or gaming, and some fencing. All times and places when I wasn’t feeling controlled, watched, and susceptible to attack.