I have a very high need for touch, which often becomes a craving for sexual touch.

I live with my partner, who is asexual and mostly indifferent to touch, albeit with limited patience. they used to be very touch-averse due to the physically abusive home they moved out of, but fifteen years of living together has at least relaxed that.

so I have very, very unmet needs for touch and sex and feel hopeless to ever do anything about that. a lot of today has involved fighting off the belief that I am a disgusting, repulsive creep who doesn't deserve to be around other people, which is apparently a response I have learned for fighting off touch-craving. predictably it is extremely ineffective and emotionally harmful, and really fucking hard to stop doing.

it's impossible to explain just how much regret is tied up in the bonfire of burned bridges my inability to maintain relationships has left behind. apparently my behavior is typical of the "disorganized" attachment style? when people warm up to me I fucking panic because I'm not good enough for them, if they really knew me they'd hate me, maybe I can't tell real invitations and social warmth from keeping up appearances and being polite and I'd be an abusive creep if I didn't take it as a sign to back off, if they knew how much I was into them they'd want me to get the fuck as far away from them as possible, they have every right to demand that but I haven't given them the chance because I've never shown them who I am, I'm a manipulative creep who should be excluded from society for the good of everyone else but I'm too cowardly to admit it.

this very familiar trail of distorted thinking replays itself again and again. it's why I don't stay in contact, this is what's happening to me when I sit at a message window trying to convince myself that it really is okay to start a conversation. also what happens when I freeze up or act implausibly oblivious when I think I might be getting flirted with but I don't know that it's okay that I'm really into them. this happens much more often than I'd like.