Good morning! It's April Fool's Day, so as is my tradition I'm going to spend the day telling terrible jokes. Here's a classic to set expectations:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh!

You'd think it would be safe for a peanut to walk in the park, wouldn't you? But I just heard about one who was a salted!

I asked my contractor how much it was going to cost to install my new roof. He told me it was on the house.

When you think about it, it's obvious why birds fly south for the winter.

It's way too far for their little legs to walk.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I decided to become an astronaut to get over my claustrophobia - after all, I just need some space.

Did you hear about the new kind of shovel they invented? It's groundbreaking!

I went to the wedding of two people who work in the cell-phone industry. The ceremony wasn't much to write home about, but the reception was amazing.

I got fired from my job as a calendar designer. I feel like they overreacted - all I did was take a couple days off.

I was never able to overcome my fear of elevators, so now I just take steps to avoid them.

Someone offered me a TV with a defect: the volume was stuck at 100%. What can I say? I couldn't turn it down.

I went to see a handwriting expert recently. She was pretty good - she could tell I was rich and gullible just by watching me sign the check.

You only ever hear "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" from people who've never fallen into a printing press.

I just got finished writing a book on weird fish. When I presented it to my agent, though, she said I probably would have been better off using paper.