I've been low key furious for a while, when I'm not depressed, or relaxed and happy enough not to be right in a terrible headspace. I'm keenly aware the anger and depression are separate responses to exactly the same stuff, essentially reactions to loss and harm.

and I'm re-realizing that I don't *like* being angry. I don't get anything out of my self righteous fury keeping me alive, or my rage fueling my artwork, or anything like that. I don't love my anger, it scares me, I want to go back to comfortable feelings. Feeling sad is actually *more* comfortable than anger; I know some of my experiences in Ann Arbor or with my ex are gone, never to come back, but these are *sadness* rather than *despair* because they're not current situations poking at me. Eg, "Size and social changes mean Further Confusion can't take place in the Doubletree" is different from "flushing money on this apartment and ever increasing gas and grocery costs mean I will never get to Further Confusion again."

Using the Buddha's analogy, I'm fully aware that holding onto the hot coal I want to throw at my enemy is doing me no good; I'd be happy if I could ever throw the coal and since I can't, I just want to drop it.

And I now re-realize that if I spent my childhood in that space of anger/depression, how uncomfortable I am with my anger, on top of being stressed by whatever already pissed me off, naturally opened me RIGHT up to believing I was this out of control monster. Very similar to how I bought in completely to the idea that I was this utter moron.