what's been going on with me and my folks
I originally moved up here partway to be around in case my parents needed help with health stuff.
What actually happened with my parents' health was my Mom's mobility finally really went so that she's mostly housebound, and a lot of her other health has been in decline since. My Dad was taking a break from work, but became a full time caretaker. There's not much I physically do to help, but I'm basically there regularly so my Mom feels wanted and valued (mobility issues mean there's little chance of meeting with them anywhere else), and so my Dad has someone else to talk to, and another excuse to take a break from being at home.
Neither of my parents had been easy to be around before and now it's worse. Part of why this is such hard going is this setup (get Dad out of the house, let him vent, make sure I'm around Mom for a bit) means visits are always 7-10 hours, plus time to get there, and trying to get back to emotional equilibrium afterwards usually is a few more hours, so it's basically an all day thing.
what's been going on with me and my folks
@Leucrotta Fucking hell - that sounds like a BRUTAL emotional gauntlet for you to run on the regular.👀😬
Do they not have other friends or family that they could talk to, as well? Or, dare I say, a therapist?🤨
It is INCREDIBLY kind of you to be supporting your folks in a way they clearly need; very considerate, selfless, & brave.🙏♥️
That kindness should NOT come at the cost of your well-being, especially if the goal is long-term support.😖🫂
re: what's been going on with me and my folks
@GoodNewsGreyShoes This is NOT going to sound good.
It's not all altruism - I haven't cut contact because at some point I might need money, my Dad has financially helped me in the past, and I don't see any other avenue to getting a house other than inheriting theirs.
They're definitely where I got the bad habit of self-isolating. Like, my Dad has friends from his old workplace, but pretty much everyone they know are people they went outside to see - they don't have anyone else over as far as I know. I think a lot of my parents snapping at each other is stuff people outside my family don't get to see.
I really wish my Mom's health would turn better but that seems unlikely, and I have no idea how we're going to keep doing this.
re: what's been going on with me and my folks
@Leucrotta Big yikes on the "parents don't have anyone else" - it's quite a lot for them to expect that you'll stand in for the peer/friend relationships they DON'T have (or can't access due to mobility limitations).🫠
I can't imagine it'd be easy to support yourself or ask for their support in that context, either - sounds a lot like a one-way 'exchange' of care that doesn't bode well for the long term.😮💨
I hope your Mom's health improves, too.🫂♥️
re: what's been going on with me and my folks
@GoodNewsGreyShoes My parents' relationship to other people and to each other isn't necessarily that healthy. I don't have particularly good role models in that respect, I worry I tend to fall into some of the same problems.
Anyway, money with my folks is weird. I try to be very careful asking them for help, after a very bad incident now about 16 years in the past. It also doesn't help that I'm not sure how much I'm actually helping if any.
re: what's been going on with me and my folks
@Leucrotta (Anecdotal opinion: becoming 'like [our] parents' isn't INEVITABLE but it IS the 'default', i.e. what we may become unless we actively choose otherwise.
I find I'm most likely to act 'like my parents' when I'm tired & impatient, as if those behaviors are a 'low-cost reflex/alternative' to thoughtful action.
Like a crude set of tools we learned on, but can choose to leave behind)
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re: what's been going on with me and my folks
@Leucrotta It's super scary to feel someone else's influence on our actions, their words in our mouths.😖 What parts worry you most?
Re. money: yeah that's 100% understandable, especially considering how uncomfortable that 'incident' must've been to leave an impact lasting ONE & A HALF DECADES.👀
People get weirdly vicious around money, doubly so around any unexpected loss.😮💨
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re: what's been going on with me and my folks
@Leucrotta Considering your parents' situation it sounds like you're helping a LOT, even if they may not see it that way (do they?🤔). You don't need to be a trained MH professional to help in meaningful ways, & I bet they'd be far worse off without you.♥️🫂
(P.s.: have I ever mentioned how much I hate the 500 char limit on posts/replies? Because I really do hate it!🤗🧨 It's so arbitrary & dumb, & actively DISCOURAGES nuanced discourse! 🫠🔨😤)
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re: what's been going on with me and my folks
@Leucrotta One of the greatest gifts our parents give, whether they realize it or not, is an up-close preview of the behavioral tendencies we may have inherited & their effect on those we love.
Bad news is we don't get to choose which destructive tendencies we may have to continually challenge for the rest of our lives.
Good news is that simply recognizing & acknowledging those hazards allows us to avoid, address, or prepare for them.
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