in my dream I inadvertantly cheated on my ex, and we broke up again (we actually broke up because she wanted kids and I didn't, but our emotions weren't that simple and each of us really fucked the other up entirely too much)
this is definitely part of how my worldview has been shifting again, but I still feel terrible.
@Leucrotta Oof - that sounds like a deeply unsettling nightmare, friend.😞
How/why do you feel like your worldview is shifting (if you don't mind me asking)?
long
@GoodNewsGreyShoes There's no reward to deserve, no punishment to avoid, there's just things I'd like and things I don't. Positives and negatives happen thanks largely to a lot of other events and people moving out there in the world, and I don't carry the entire responsibility for what happens to me.
Since I'm not actually caught up in some morality/worthiness play, I *can* accept that I have power and agency, rather than emotionally invested in being powerless and victimized because I'm trying to dodge punishment or trying to explain being punished to myself. And if I have agency and power sometimes, and mistakes are inevitable rather than irreparable catastrophes for which I'll be punished again and again and again, then at some point I'm going to fuck up. At some points *I* will actually be where things went wrong.
None of this is stuff I could have learned from my childhood.
With my ex, I'd initially been so caught up in my old worldview where I was required to accept that I'd fucked up and "deserved punishment," then whether I "deserved" to be angry at them, then actually feeling rabidly pissed off at them. But I hadn't really taken it to heart that a lot of where it fell apart really *was* my fault.
long
@Leucrotta DAMN, friend - that is some SUBSTANTIAL emotional introspection, processing, & growth!!👀✨
Understanding the roles & influence of fear & shame on our actions, thoughts, & beliefs can be a CATASTROPHIC mess to untangle - & that's just to *identify* them!😵💫
It sounds like you've invested an INCREDIBLE amount of energy into acknowledging & addressing the kinds of deep, implicit assumptions that all of us make about ourselves, the world, & every interaction therein...
long
@Leucrotta ...and used the realities you found down there to change the way you feel about yourself & interpret the world within & without. 🙏♥️
How does that feel?
re: long
@GoodNewsGreyShoes This is the most recent shift in a big, long, decades-spanning process. Believing I was a terrible, stupid, ugly, worthless fuck-up wasn't healthy but explained a lot of the world, and since I started really getting past self-hate in 2017, my view of the world had to adapt.
The past 3 months have been a lot of changing worldview, and honestly it and other stuff means I'm kind of tired and burned out - though nowhere near as tired and burned out as I'd feel if I hadn't adopted some changes.
Honestly I feel like in all of this, my views of myself and my world have become a lot more positive while external events have gotten to be a lot tougher, the last few years, I've definitely gotten been on timing.
