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mh journaling 

now realizing;

* if I'm this mad, it's something that reminds me of childhood
* part of why I've had such terrible problems with self hate is directing anger inwards so I can't get into trouble for expressing it
* being angry/stuffing anger makes me more susceptible to the next irritation until I can be a lot less frequently dinged

so I was directing this much fucking incandescent rage inwards, for literally years on end. How do I still have a functioning GI tract?

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