more journaling
The really uncomfy truth about me and wanting to be a professional artist is, it was always my indoctrination (you're good at THIS THING, therefore you should do THIS THING to make money) and my baggage (maybe if I do THIS THING, I can get out of being relegated to disposable convenience for the actually valued people, forever).
This is a pretty rickety scaffold to hang any sort of professional ambitions from, and faced with anything that fits my indoctrination that the adults/peers have engineered it so I can't go in whatever direction, I give up waaay easily.