What I'm noticing now is that combining natural tendencies (everything feels more frustrating/longer/sadder than it does to the people running the show) and bad personal experience (I've been *told* everything is crucial, that safety and comfort is all down to my performance rather than this largely arbitrary thing, and also that I've been *told* I'm a complete fuck up and someone out there honestly is out to get me -- and only a few intentionally malicious experiences give an impression of overall intent to harm);

every choice I make usually goes through a filter of self-doubt -- is this something I fucked up that's unforgivable? could this be the thing that I somehow do well enough to be safe for a bit, so it's ultra important I not fuck it up? -- but of course failure and success are usually big cumulative processes.

And this is where I have problems finding a "middle way;"

1) realistically and emotionally, I can't treat every possible fuck up as a dire portal to complete disaster

2) like fighting while off balance, amped up emotional intensity can make me more vulnerable to the next thing that "goes wrong" and that in turn keeps me more emotionally/fiscally vulnerable to the next thing after that, there *are* cumulative successive failures.

So where exactly is a good balance point between those two? (And, won't how important things are differ from moment to moment?)

... I swear this sounds stoned. I'm sober, just low on sleep and not great at expressing myself.