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depression, anxiety
Trying hard to keep my internal dialogue to a more actionable “there are solid reasons I feel bad, and some of them I can hack,” rather than “I’m innately worthless stupid shit, everyone would’ve been better off had I died at 5 or in my teens, people are right to dislike me.”
This is hard to do, if for no reason other than lack of practice.
depression, anxiety
I ALSO can tuck in my head, that until I was 18 NOTHING was actionable. My self hate is in part a coping mechanism to explain and protect me in a world without choice. And there’s a feedback loop of lack of autonomy <=> low self worth thanks to that familiarity, such that when I feel stuck, trapped and treading water, any reason to beat myself up is amplified, and when I beat myself up, I’m more likely to feel trapped, stuck and treading water.