Mh(-), unreality
Does anyone else ever feel like merely existing from day to day tends to be an obligation like-- keeping up with big servers and news things and work saps a lot of my HP to the point where I feel like a lot of the time I'm just sorta floating around because oops I forgot how to be a person today, nothing that's happened is real. And I think a part of that is coping. I sorta drown myself in fantasy because reality isn't great, it's why I draw and do fantasy work. I just wish I could stay connected with people a little better without expending most of my energy to do so! And react to stimuli cause holy shit I am super faded in the flesh and even over voice I sound super exhausted
Mh(-), unreality
Waow! I'm pretty depressed! There's some other pretty major factors playing into that (dysphoria, January isn't a great month, severe insomnia) but like. I've never simultaneously felt so disconnected and overloaded at the same time, it's just absolutely bizarre.
Mh(-), unreality
@Motodrachen yeah! Like I was saying in the other line of the conversation here is like. I want to establish some connections irl because I feel like I merely take up space when I am out and about, and I'm not anywhere close to realizing myself and it's jarring to a point where I'm like, dissociating at work!
Orlando gender health Care is pretty weak to say the least and the local lgtbq groups are bracketed for like ... 16-24 yr olds and older folks so I'm sorta in that weird void with a few other people in the local area that I know about? But once I get my tax return I'll try to spoil myself just a bit so that I feel better about my image !
re: Mh(-), unreality
@Mottie Yeah. I've got a slightly different mechanism of action on my end, but I feel ya on all those points.
The truth I've found by accident however is that... Well, the meatsuit matters a LOT less than projection and security in your Self. The Girl in your Soul will help you 'Pass' way better than your vocal register, bodyshape, or even facial hair.
Because I'll have days where Kerithe is fronting, and at full capacity, and I'll be paying attention to how Everything changes. From body language to intonation of Voice to mannerisms. She's a Woman at her Core, and I didn't put her there, or Practice any of it.
So I know a Lot about Unreality, and my experience is like... Trans-adjacent. I'll disassociate randomly, or in Waves and after doing a quick systems check, realize I'm Her inside.
And that can make Reality, what you've Done, what you've accomplished, and your entire Worldview seem like a weird fever dream that went on for fifteen years, until all of a sudden you snap back to That original schema.
It's not unusual to go through severe disassociation when you're transitioning. You're un-learning an entire way of being, peeling apart Traumas and past experiences and trying to make sense of your role in a world that doesn't have any social structures to Provide a place for you.
Some of my friends can't actually remember their lives pre-transition except as snippets of disjointed dreams, and it's been scary as hell for them. Others have had their pre-transition personality come back as a headmate or an intrusive personality system.
You're not alone, you're just existing in a Real world that's gone somewhat Insane.
