i miss the time in my life when even though i had responsibilities and such, i didnt feel the anxiety and pressure of time limits and deadlines.

i basically have been programmed to never stop and smell the roses, and i miss that...

i miss being able to just, DO things like go outside and admire nature, without the looming thought of "Dont spend too much time enjoying yourself! You have THINGS to do!" in the back of my head, sapping all enjoyment i get out of these things...

i hate how it effects everyone around me too...

this is the part of depression nobody talks about btw...

just...losing the ability to enjoy things on anything more than a superficial level...

not being able to have hobbies because you have to go to work to survive and you have to be to bed at a certian time or you wont be able to go to work and if you dont go to work you cant put gas in the car and fix that problem that its had for months and you cant eat or have a place to live or running water and then people look at you funny for being homeless so you feel like shit because you just want to live life but you cant because you didnt do something as simple as going to bed at a certian time which you HAVE to do or else you basically ruin your life and cant afford healthcare or food or entertainment which only temporarily put off the looming pressure to perform better and make more money because in today's society thats the only way you can be seen as successful is by having lots of money and things and working yourself QUITE LITERALLY to death!

and ofc this has been shoved so far down my throat that its come out my ass and gone back down my throat a few times and suddenly im trying to enforce this bullshit on my family because it gives me such anxiety to just enjoy ourselves (the family) that its almost like i have to allot a window of time for it and that takes like 70% of the enjoyment out of it all by itself and the other 30% is watered down by the anxiety constantly screaming at me "WHAT IF YOU'RE OUT TOO LATE"

i fucking hate it, i hate what this society has done to me, i used to be so hopeful for the future, even into early adulthood i looked at lots of things with childlike whimsical bewilderment, just to think HOLY SHIT WE HAVE A SPACE SHUTTLE THAT GOES TO OUTER SPACE AND NUCLEAR REACTORS AND SHIT, WOW HOLY FUCK THIS IS GREAT..

i wanted to be a nuclear physicist since i learned what nuclear reactors and bombs were, i was so fascinated by them i just wanted to participate.

the thought of making the world a better place by helping design new forms of nuclear power, so we could generate energy so cheaply and easily that you basically gave it away for free, and how many problems it would solve!

but no, society taught me that wasnt a realistic job, i had to get a "real" job to make money because otherwise i was a failure.

i had to adhere to a strict schedule otherwise i was a menace to society.

and then ofc in all the middle of this, i was trying to quantify and deal with my gender dysphoria, and no one could even begin to understand.

and i knew no one understood, so i never talked about it, at that point in my life i knew it was "weird" so people would make fun of me or punish me for it"

26 years and 9 months of this grinding wheel on my soul has done a L O T of damage...

damn near makes me cry just thinking about how fucked up i am inside because of all of this...