Four and a half years ago, when I went on a large dose of antidepressants after The Thing That Happened, I stopped drinking.

There were several reasons - chiefly that the dosage I was on was high enough that drinking was contraindicated. But more than that too, I wanted to keep myself from descending into a bottle as a way to cope. And I was... sort of punishing myself too, using the need to stay sober as a way to castigate myself - I had failed and was worthless, so I didn't deserve to drink socially anymore.

But things have changed in the last several years:
* My dosage is just "normal" now, and while drinking a lot isn't wise, drinking a little is okay as long as I limit my intake.
* I'm not at risk of self-destructive drinking behavior anymore
* I don't need to punish myself for something that wasn't my fault anyway.

I've been talking a little bit with a very good friend about lifting the self-imposed ban... and last night when they asked if I wanted to have something to drink, I said yes.

I'd actually forgotten how nice the warm glow was, and it was just really really good to break free of an unneeded stricture.

I'm still gonna be smart about it - only small amounts of alcohol and only in safe places. But goddamn it was good to have a drink last night.