First, pick the type.

They are all terrible.

There's:

* Splint (less terrible but also only runs on computers you do not own)
* Birch (more terrible but runs anywhere, also steals a lot)
* Farch (generally more terrible but like 1/5 users win the internal lottery of the type and so they have a lovely time and will never stop telling you about it)
* Bento (generally less terrible but chao help you if it breaks, all the 'super' users just laugh and laugh at you)

* Sputnutz (generally more terrible but by design, the people who made it decided they WANTED it to be harder to use, it's like a badge of courage for people to say they run Sputnutz on their personal machines, it runs on all ATMs on earth though, so there's like fifty Sputnutz maintainers and they basically own all bankers)
* Frtz (less terrible but more mocked than Bento, runs everywhere, 'super' users grudgingly admit it's useful on calculators)

* Schmuck (specifically designed to look like Windows as a 'super' user in-joke, then it started to get used and some of them rolled their eyes and sort of maintained it, it'll run on things from 5-20 years ago but nothing modern, it will have drivers for peripherals of the same time period but nothing modern)
* Gooseneck (average terrible, sort of resembles iOSes from three years back, runs on your hardware but has no drivers for anything at all as an 'experiment')

* BuSSeD (terribleness varies widely, tons of huge technical details exist that only 'super' users understand and will laugh at all questions about, even from other 'super' users, because this type of Linux is actually secretly also an in-joke amongst them)
* BorSchteD (nearly indistinguishable from BuSSeD but this type was created on a bet and so nobody laughs AND nobody explains about it, because half of all 'super' users are in on the betting pool)

* GNU/Coaster Linux (extremely terrible, vaporware so fortunately you don't have to find out it runs on nothing the hard way, you can just be told it still doesn't exist yet -- but once it DOES, it will run on 5% of all computers and be the best experience ever, and won't run on the other 95% because they do not DESERVE it)
* Chocolin (generally okay, some people use it, but if it ever breaks in the slightest it destroys all data, this is considered 'hardening')

* Widdershins (extremely terrible but as a joke, no drivers as a joke, no documentation as a joke, no kernel as a joke, and the name is a joke, yet any question about it is treated with faux seriousness that cannot be distinguished from actual helpfulness in any meaningful way)
* Slurm (popular and somewhat less terrible than most popular Linux types, includes a free quart of milk or block of cheese depending on how far you are from lone maintainer, a dairy farmer)

* Fester (very terrible, named after the Addams Family character, created out of sheer misanthropy and immediately became very popular amongst 'super' users, requires learning COBOL to write device drivers and also steals a lot like Birch does)
* Rimfart (moderately terrible, named after a dirty joke in a forum thirty-five years ago but the name will never be changed, has been abandoned but the creator will never admit it so they can keep getting "Rimfart?" emails)

* Snurb (only slightly terrible, has modern device drivers and documentation for basic issues, but nothing older than a few years and it denies all attempts to make it work with older hardware, no docs, all advice from 'super' users is in the form of XKCD references)
* Sister Mary Agnes (moderately terrible, designed for churches and became standard amongst many because church techies flocked together more during its development in 2003)

* A Pimp Named Brainfuck (extremely terrible, a fork of Fester but renamed and without requiring COBOL, it instead must have drivers written in Befunge, which is the joke the creator wanted to make, totally unmaintained but is still often recommended to new users out of malice)
* Eye Of Vecna (moderately terrible, but is reputed to run Wine well and thus is often the choice made by new converts to Linux from Windows, and often the reason they go back to Windows)

@sydneyfalk

I wish Wine was as good as wine at making me feel good.