We are getting some salvia in and I am hoping they will help Willow with her visions of her past, and help me get visions that i feel blocked off from.
Psychonautics, salvia
Update on Salvia trip: That was traumatizing and difficult to explain.
Felt like I was back in First Grade, in a way, but ... it's more a feeling than a vision. Tried to crawl back to Hazel and Willow, but I felt like I couldn't, felt paralyzed to see them for so long, and it was so so hard to just be there in a half-existence with these fuzzy recollections of those I cared about.
Psychonautics, salvia (2)
I'm still crying over it. That suffocating feeling of half-life. Like I was being kept back from anything by this foam all around.
Psychonautics, salvia (3)
Thinking back to it, though, that feeling of being back in first grade? It was pleasant.
Like a mixture of playground in daylight, indoor play area, etc.
It was more fear of losing those I cared about by staying there too long that made me afraid.
But then afterwards I realized that I could have been there forever and lost sight of myself. It was pleasant, but terrifying?
Psychonautics, salvia (5)
I am so HAPPY to be in a place with people in it now. I appreciate life so much more now. It's shocking how much we take for granted -- even our basic senses of feeling, of being able to hug onto a *person*.
Psychonautics, salvia (6)
A part of me is so worried that that is like the afterlife. Just... leaving the body and getting fuzzy. That I'd lose all those memories of others, but still exist as some half-life form. I could easily see it that way too -- all that I experienced, just never remembering Hazel and Willow and never struggling to get back to them.
Psychonautics, salvia (7)
Just... boom. New soul again, losing all that I had and was, all that willpower, all that enlightenment, all that knowledge and wisdom, back to being a seed again. And the part that made it hellish was the knowledge I was forgetting people, but it was something I had to fight.
Whether the wheel turns again and I end up reincarnated, whether I'd end up on another plane of existence or whatever... that forgetting is what I'm afraid of.
Psychonautics, salvia (Better Summary 1/4)
-Warm.
-A playground. Inside or outside, didn't matter. Both. A place of childlike refuge, recess, play.
-Others around. But not interacting. Comforting presences, but not my friends.
-A window. What was behind it? Something important. Someones? I should reach out and be with them.
-Reach out to window
-The window becomes a big thick blanket, all around me.
-Pull at the blanket. Pull, pull, pull. Slowly getting it off me? But am I?
Psychonautics, salvia (Better Summary 2/4)
-An outline beside me. She's laughing. She's laughing. She's laughing. A mad chaos god. But not, she's my friend. She won't stop laughing. Goddamnit, stop laughing.
-I want to touch her. I want to feel her. Why can't I reach out? Where am I? Pull the sheet, pull pull pull...
-Suffocating. Suffocating. I can't get to them. If I were to stop here, I'd drift among the void, stuck in this suffocating blanket.
Psychonautics, salvia (Better Summary 3/4)
-I can see color again. I'm returning to body. I can make Willow out. She's still laughing. I can make Hazel out. I crawl over to Hazel, it takes ALL my energy. I want to CLING to her. But all I can do is put my hand on hers. I'm trying to pull... but I lose connection again.
Psychonautics, salvia (Better Summary 4/4)
-Damnit pull me out of this PULL ME OUT OF THIS PULL ME OUT OF THIS
-Hug Hazel. Get up, stumble out of the room. Material reality again! now I can TOUCH PEOPLE
Do you realize how much a superpower touching someone is?!
We take it for granted, but try spending aeons seeing but unable to touch!!!
Psychonautics, salvia (Better Summary 4/4)
@ginnungagap I swore I never would do salvia again. Now I'm pondering when I'll do it again with a better mindset of what to expect! Though all I know doesn't really matter. It'll prolly take all my willpower and thought just to try not to break out of it again.
Psychonautics, salvia (4)
Can't stop crying. I feel so good to be back in reality again, haha. But also I miss the playground, but can't remember anything about it.