Before I dive into writing, I just want to say thank you to everyone who left a kind note on Twitter or reached out to me yesterday. I really appreciate it, and it's because I have such an amazing support network I know I'll make it through a few difficult weeks ahead.
I have a complicated relationship with my Mom. I feel obligated to do for her because she adopted me when she really didn't have to and sacrificed a lot to bring us up.
But she was also an emotionally and physically abusive woman who disowned me when I came out.
We were never close. And I'm still really angry about the way she treated me and my sister.
But she's nearly 90 now, with dementia setting in and no one else to manage her affairs. Like it or not, I'm all she's got left.
She's exhausting and infuriating, but she's also my Mom
So all of this is hard. Reckoning with my trauma around my upbringing, making peace with the idea I'll never get closure, finding a way to step back enough to see my mom as a whole person and not just...my worst memories of her.
Oh, and the uniquely capitalist hell around death
So I might be even more spacy and frazzled than I have been, and ask for your patience, and thank you for your support. <3
I'm going to keep trying for NaNoWriMo, but also accept that if things progress I might have to postpone the novel for a bit.
I wish I could view this as an opportunity to deepen my equanimity, to find compassion for even the most difficult people.
But Mom is a reminder to me of how much I still have to do in order to be the person I want to be.
I can take care of her, but I can't forgive her.