What am I doing here? Why do I get existential exactly when I sit down in the RZ to work? This happens every damn Monday. Crawl off my bus downtown, zombie through the mo(u)rning standup, then grumble through security to sit and stare at a glowing rectangle all damn day.
I want to be trans with confidence. I want to feel like I'm making good moves for myself, instead of throwing my life at the wall to see what sticks. Being told no one else knows what they're doing doesn't help.
@orrery Sticking with that metaphor then, today, I am unsure if knowing about the Matrix is good for me, if being connected or disconnected is good for me, and very unsure if my Matrix is the same as anyone else's.
@kelseyhusky So, apologies, let me clarify without the metaphor.
I think that figuring out what one wants out of life, who one is and how one acheives contentment and worth, is an inalienably solitary practice, and noone can really define any of these things for antone else. I think understanding who one is is itself valuable, but it carries the burden of expectation to become more truly oneself. That can feel really heavy amd hard to manage, especially when one only ever gets partial answers.
@orrery No, I totally get that. And I agree with you. It is a personal and private struggle and my friends have been a great support that I wouldn't have made it this far without them. But struggling against my own inertia is a real bitch sometimes.
@kelseyhusky It totally is. I absolutely grant you that, and I know how badly it sucks.
I've been in out and out of it for a long time. On an upswing now, but I've definitely had my stretches of unnavigable inertia. Deepest sympathies.
@kelseyhusky I think "Nobody knows what they're doing" is an over-simplification. Personally, a better way of putting it is that nobody can tell you what the Matrix is.