Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [1]
There's been some conversation on the subject of sexuality in (primarily queer) communities; the tendency for folks meeting each other to follow this script over a short span of time:
1) Get to know someone
2) Cuddle with them
3) Have sex with them
This script is pretty well ingrained for many in the communities I've been part of, and on the surface there's nothing wrong with it, but it causes problems I feel should be more broadly discussed.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [2]
As with any well adopted social script, despite intentions to the contrary, it develops social expectations that others follow the script.
As an example, the common courtesy of asking someone how they're doing as part of a greeting. The question is meant to impart sincerity and warmth but ends up creating a different feeling altogether in the wrong circumstances-- but bypassing the question entirely tends to leave a negative impression.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [3]
As a result, asking someone how they're doing has become quasi-compulsory as part of a standard greeting, and increasingly, so is sex after getting close to someone you're getting to know.
Similar problems arise from the latter situation. When you stop the script prior to step 3, the script is broken. There is no well defined alternate route. Those relationships commonly fail with the assumption that one's interest was not returned.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [4]
The script also causes problems with consent. It implies an expectation of reciprocation without an established fallback method to make saying "no I don't want to have sex with you" mean something other than "no I'm not interested in you."
I think the emotional nature of relationships as a whole tends to cause many of these problems. We don't like logic getting in the way of our feelings of love and lust, and there's something to be said for that.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [5]
I'm not sure if there is a solution to this problem, but raising awareness of it certainly can't hurt. ♥️
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [6] (Addendum)
One other side-effect of the aforementioned script I forgot to include:
In spaces where that script is established, those who don't wish to follow the script end up being othered by those following the script. Not (usually) intentionally, but either because they're weary of having the script used on them, or they get to step 2, reject step 3 and lose their prospective partner because they assume a polite lack of interest.
Quasi-Compulsory Sexuality in Communities [6] (Addendum)
@mawr I can only speak to my own lived experience, as always, but I can't attest to the existence of that script, and I think that's a lot of what's throwing me about this discussion. I hear you, I value you, and I affirm that you and likely others feel this way, but that script doesn't seem to match my perceptions or my history, and I don't really know what to say beyond that without risking negating your own perceptions.
