@grime_witch@witches.town @benhamill@witches.town Sad crying for legitimate reasons, disappointments, etc. are rarer than whining and tantrums. Don't go straight for derailment here. Sit down with them, help them calm down and talk through it, let them feel heard, let them feel like their problems and feelings matter. Once you've talked through it then you can derail their attention to something fun. This is really important, though. Listen to them and don't derail too early.

@benhamill@witches.town @grime_witch@witches.town Whining is what I deal with most. When they don't get their way, when something unexpected happens, when something bad but unimportant befalls them and they begin crying to both deal with their emotions and see if they can get you to change reality for them without asking, that kind of crying must be endured.

@grime_witch@witches.town @benhamill@witches.town Discipline yourself to stay cool, explain calmly that there are alternatives and other options to get around the problem they're having now, and guide them to help themselves out of the feeling.

@benhamill@witches.town @grime_witch@witches.town This is easier said that done. It requires a lot of patience and flexibility in your approach. You can derail them here as well, but sometimes it involves saying, "This is not a big deal," and ignoring the whining until they realize that whining for attention isn't nearly as fun as literally anything else.

@grime_witch@witches.town @benhamill@witches.town Now let's talk about tantrums.

Tantrums require really keeping your cool and sticking to your guns. Derailing them can seem like the right answer, but when they're having a tantrum your end goal is not, "make the crying stop," it's "make sure they understand this behavior is not acceptable and you will follow through on the stated consequences (time out, no TV/Wii U, etc.)."

@benhamill@witches.town @grime_witch@witches.town And that means enduring a lot of whining and screaming as you calmly explain that what they're doing is not okay. It sucks and you have to accept beforehand that dealing with the tantrum is an unpleasant but necessary time commitment.

@grime_witch@witches.town @benhamill@witches.town You can't cave to a tantrum, no matter how tempting it is. They throw tantrums because they know it's unpleasant for everyone and they think you will break before their rage exhausts itself. You have to make it clear that a tantrum is the fastest way to NOT get what they want. For my kids, that means tantrums get them put in "time out" in their room, and they can't come out until they are calm and have sat down and had a discussion with me.

@benhamill@witches.town @grime_witch@witches.town Eventually they will calm down and you will have a chance to sit down and speak with them. During this discussion, you have to make sure they understand what exactly they were doing that was unacceptable, what your expectations are going forward, and work with them to come up with ideas for what they can do next time they're in a similar situation. Have them say these things out loud, even if they have to repeat after you.

@grime_witch@witches.town @benhamill@witches.town (BTW Setting up expectations is HUGE, because little kids tend to want to do what is expected of them. Once they know what is expected of them, and you've defined it clearly, they know there will be consequences if they don't follow through.)

@benhamill@witches.town @grime_witch@witches.town Then, once they've gone through the discussion, IMMEDIATELY hug them, tell them the discussion and time out is over, tell them you love them, tell them they're okay and you're proud of them for calming down and learning from their experience, and THEN derail them into a positive interaction with you. You must leave no room for doubt in their mind that, now that the tantrum is over, your opinion of them has not changed.

@grime_witch@witches.town @benhamill@witches.town They need to get the sense that your love for them was the same before the tantrum, during the tantrum, and after the tantrum, and the tantrum didn't change that even if you had to have a difficult discussion or express disappointments.

@benhamill@witches.town @grime_witch@witches.town All of these are much easier said than done. For one thing, it's very easy to misjudge the context of the crying or let your own feelings color your perception of the cry and misdiagnose the crying, therefore responding to the cry in the wrong way. For another, kids' cries are honed over time to create the greatest amount of discomfort for the specific listener as possible because they want to spur you to action.

@grime_witch@witches.town @benhamill@witches.town You will hear kids experimenting with different crying styles, A/B testing them until your psyche breaks. My kids drive me absolutely insane and I admit I sometimes don't keep my cool. It's very easy and very tempting to yell, to flip out, to reciprocate their unbridled fury with even a fraction of your own (IT SUCKS TO BE SCREAMED AT!).

@benhamill@witches.town @grime_witch@witches.town (BTW, yelling almost never improves a situation with a kid and should really only be employed when their safety or the safety of someone else is in jeopardy due to their current course of action. Yelling in this case serves as a sharp derailment that gets them to stop the action, but invariably leads to more crying and a necessary discussion).

@grime_witch@witches.town @benhamill@witches.town But if you can discipline yourself to endure it well, derail them when possible, and discipline them when necessary, showing an increase of love for them after any discipline, then you'll be alright maybe.

FIN